Good Sex Is Learned: The Cultural Myth of Innate Sex Skills
“Good sex happens instinctively” or “I’m just not naturally good at sex” are some common phrases heard in society that claim sex skills as an innate talent. But this is simply not true! People learn sexual behavior. So many factors, like culture, politics, religion, and family background, dictate what people are taught about sex.
The cultural myth of innate sex skills is limiting and discourages people from seeking new knowledge and pleasure–and ironically doesn’t give us the opportunity to have the best (or most pleasurable) sex we can have. But, as adults, we can empower ourselves to learn new information about sex, ourselves, and our partners.
Sex Education Fails Us
Anatomy and its functioning are knowledge that should be taught in sexual education programs. Unfortunately, the US lacks comprehensive sex education in most of its public schools. In fact, the National Conference of State Legislators shared the following statistics about policies regarding sex education across the country:
Only 30 states (and the District of Columbia) require public schools to teach sex education
Only 28 of those mandate both sex education and HIV education.
Only 22 states require that if provided, sex and/or HIV education must be medically, factually or technically accurate.
State definitions of “medically accurate" vary, from requiring that the department of health review curriculum for accuracy, to mandating that curriculum be based on information from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.”
This means the majority of people don’t get quality information about their own bodies, the diversity of bodies, or trans bodies, leaving critical gaps in their knowledge about their own and others’ anatomy well into adulthood.This can really harm how people view themselves and others. Thankfully, there are so many resources online (like plannedparenthood.org) and books (like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski) to learn about sexual anatomy and functioning.
Most sex education programs also don’t teach important consent and boundary setting skills. We live in a patriarchal society that has historically not valued consent, so many people have had traumatic experiences of their boundaries being crossed. It's helpful to use therapy to process those experiences and examine how your life has been affected by the patriarchy. Therapy can also be a great space to learn about how to create and maintain boundaries with yourself and others. Boundary skills are something that a lot of adults struggle with. That’s why it is so important that we continue to advocate for comprehensive sex education in all schools. Education should begin at a young age by teaching children basic consent skills and bodily autonomy, and continue in schools through college, so that by the time people reach young adulthood, they are equipped with practical knowledge about sex and boundaries.
Popular Media Also Fails Us
Since many of us lack a sex education, it’s common for people to seek information about sex and relationships from popular media like television, movies, and porn. This means that many people internalize unrealistic sexual scripts like:
heterosexual sex is done after the man ejaculates
vaginas should orgasm from penetration alone
simultaneous orgasms are common
women should have less sexual partners than men
While some sexual scripts may work for some people, it is important to remember that many were created by the white cisheteropatriarchy. Therefore, these common scripts don’t work for everyone, especially people with queer identities.
There are so many different ways to be in relationships and have sex. Sadly, diverse sexual scripts aren’t modeled in most porn, which so many young people consume without realizing that it is a form of entertainment. So people internalize sexist examples of sex because it’s the only example they are exposed to. Mainstream porn isn’t a suitable model for actual sex, it can be intense and degrading, as well as lack safety and communication. Consuming queer feminist porn by producers like Crash Pad Series and Erika Lust, can be a great way to unlearn these problematic scripts and see porn that’s more inclusive of all identities.
Learn About Yourself
People have to dedicate time to learn about themselves; this includes their identities, sexual preferences, and intimacy needs. Take time to have sex with yourself and understand what you enjoy. Everyone’s desires and bodies change over time, so it’s important to be open to changes in yourself and spend time doing self-exploration.
Not everyone grew up in a sex positive environment, so some people might not have a lot of experience with masturbation. Some may also have complex feelings towards masturbation, including religious shame. This doesn’t mean that you can’t develop a new relationship with self pleasure if you want to. Through actions like self-reflection, therapy, education, and practice you can learn a lot about yourself and improve your sex life.
Communication Skills Are Learned
Excellent communication skills are also something that people must learn through practice. Learning how to give and receive feedback is a skill that many of us aren’t taught. And a lot of media does not show any communication during sex so people do not have a model of how to ask for what they want. Therapy is also a good place to develop new communication skills.
With your partners, practice giving feedback on what feels good and what can happen to make it feel even better. Talk about sex before and after you get in bed. Build time to communicate about your sex lives into your weekly schedules. It can be hard to ask for what you want, especially if you haven’t spent time figuring out what this is, so spend time exploring. Remember that everyone has different communication styles and needs. Ask your partners about their communication needs and let them know yours.
Learn What Your Partner Likes
We are not mind readers! And people are not a monolith, so you will need to learn about what your partner likes through open communication. All partners will be different, how they feel sensations, their kinks, and their boundaries. And people change, so it is important that you consistently check in to see how they are feeling. It might be uncomfortable at first but everyone deserves to feel heard and find pleasure! Good sex is a collaboration. Tools like Yes, No, Maybe lists can be useful in helping you gain insight into your partner’s preferences.
We Can All Be Life-Long Learners
There is always new information to learn about your partners and yourself! As stated previously, preferences and kinks change with time. Take the opportunity to learn a new sex skill that you have been interested in like rope tying or power play. There are so many educational videos, podcasts, and books to help direct you. In-person and online workshops are also available through sexual health educators and sex-toy shops. Learning sex skills takes time but can help you find more pleasure, comfort, and confidence in sex for both you and your partners. Empower yourself to be a life-long learner, especially with sex!
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING EMILY LUNN FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.