Asexuality: Understanding Whether You Experience Sexual Attraction Or Not

We know that human sexuality is a varied spectrum, with a wide range of different labels one can identify with. One often overlooked identity on that spectrum is asexuality–sometimes called “ace” for short.  Along with being frequently overlooked, asexuality is also one of the most misunderstood sexualities, even within queer circles. 

So what does it mean to be asexual?

Asexuality is generally defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction for others, but as is true of every identity, there’s not one way to experience being asexual. Just as one bisexual person having a different experience with romantic or sexual attraction than another bisexual person doesn’t make either of them any less bisexual, it’s common for people within the asexual community to have differing experiences with sex and relationships.

The term asexual is in this way an “umbrella term” encompassing a variety of different experiences within it, connected through similar experiences of lack of sexual attraction. This lack of sexual attraction can be experienced through a complete lack of interest in sex, a lack of interest in sex without a partner you care deeply about, sex repulsion, or any combination of similar experiences.

Asexuality is often confused with “low libido,” and while an asexual person may experience low(er) libido, that’s not actually what asexuality is describing.

Remember that sex drive and sexual attraction are two different things! You can experience a high sex drive (or, as you’re more likely to refer to it, being horny) without feeling sexual attraction to someone. Being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you’re uninterested in sex or sexual pleasure (though sex repulsion can be experienced by some) it indicates that you don’t necessarily experience that sexual attraction toward somebody.  

Likewise, while being asexual and aromantic can be related, and can often be experienced together, being asexual doesn’t mean you are aromantic. Romantic and sexual attraction can be related, but they are separate forms of attraction, so it’s completely common to experience them separately or in different ways. 

Because asexuality exists on a spectrum and doesn't receive the attention it deserves, you may be confused and wondering if it’s a label that matches your experience  or not. Ultimately, that's up to you to figure out, and you get to be gentle with yourself and understand that sexual attraction is something that can be both rigid or fluid and change with time. For the most personalized guidance, we suggest working with a sex-positive therapist. 

Here are 6 signs that you may be asexual: 

You don't think about sex:

If you’re only thinking about sex when prompted by your environment (an erotic ad, a conversation with a friend, a sex scene in a movie, etc.) you may be asexual. While it’s true interest in sex isn’t necessarily the same as sexual attraction, if you never find yourself fantasizing about sex or thinking about it pleasantly on your own, it’s possible you don’t experience that sort of attraction toward others. Some people think about sex nearly constantly throughout the day, and others only when prompted or required. Both, and everything in between, are “normal.” 

You don't get turned on by others:

Has a friend ever talked about feeling completely flustered while talking to someone attractive, and you just don’t get that feeling? You might be able to recognize that someone is attractive, but talking to them has no physical effect on you, and you definitely don’t find your mind wandering to thoughts of making out or hooking up with them. If that’s the case, you may be asexual!

Or, perhaps you have engaged in consensual sexual encounters but didn't really get what all the fuss is about. For some folks, a lack of attraction to a specific person just means they're not with the right person, but for others that lack of attraction doesn’t actually feel like the absence of anything, because it’s just not experienced with any partner. That doesn’t mean they can’t consensually and enthusiastically engage in sex, but the pleasure may come more from the act of sex itself than the feeling of attraction toward their partner. Remember, it’s possible to feel aroused and enjoy sex, even without feeling sexual attraction toward a specific person!

For you, it's not about finding the right person:

As noted above, some people do need to meet people they really trust before experiencing sexual attraction. But for some, it has nothing to do with dating or finding the person–that feeling is just not a part of their dating or sexual experience. Remember, you’re the expert on yourself and if you think this is your experience, there’s no partner to kiss you and transform you into someone who experiences sexual attraction. And not experiencing that attraction doesn’t mean you’re broken or missing out or in a bad relationship.  Working with a sex-positive therapist and finding a supportive community can help you feel more confident about this. 

You often feel alienated:

Conservatives may fight it, but we live in a highly sexualized society. From movies to casual talk at parties, the topic of sex is inescapable. And as a result, aces may feel chronically left out or "weird," especially regarding dating pressures. It can suck to feel left out, which is why it is vital to work with a therapist and find a community that is welcoming of asexuals. Online resources, such as Reddit or FetLife, can also be a handy tool to remember that you're not "weird." Asexuality is just another way to experience attraction; nearly two percent of the population identify as asexual. If they want it, aces experience long-term, fulfilling relationships throughout life. 

You don't masturbate:

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, remember, asexuality is a spectrum, and being asexual doesn’t mean you’ll never experience arousal. Some people are aroused by themselves, others enjoy erotic audios or literature or other types of porn, and some just enjoy masturbation or sex with others, even without feeling sexual attraction to their partner specifically.

But for other aces, it's not just a lack of arousal during partnered play; you don't feel an urge to masturbate. It's totally normal, and nothing to feel weird or shameful about. Sex can be a fun and satisfying element to life, but not enjoying it, even by yourself, isn’t a sign that you’re “broken” or “missing” something, it just means you find fun and satisfaction in other parts of life. Learning more about asexuality and connecting to others who share your experience can help ease any anxiety you feel on this.

Asexuality just fits:

As they say, if the shoe fits, walk in it. Perhaps you've tried on various sexual labels, perhaps on the queer spectrum, and nothing felt just right. For some aces, it's like coming home when they first read or hear about asexuality. If the label just feels right, don’t pressure yourself to question or over analyze it. Let yourself claim it, see how it feels, and just be!

Finally, don't forget that how you ultimately decide to describe or label your sexual orientation is up to you and only you. You’re the expert on your experience. If asexuality feels right for you, that means you’re asexual. And if it doesn’t, then you’re not asexual. You don’t have to explain or justify it to anyone in order to use the label as your own! 

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