Respecting TGNC Folks Beyond Pronouns
Getting someone's pronouns right is important. But when it comes to understanding someone’s gender, pronouns are just one small piece.
Of course, asking for someone's pronouns can be important (or even better, you can introduce yourself using your own and make it easier on everyone) but navigating what pronouns to use and how to communicate that to others is just one common experience many trans and gender non-conforming folks (TGNC) have. And while pronouns are related to gender expression, there isn’t any one set of pronouns that belongs to any one gender–so to understand your TGNC loved ones or peers, you have to understand more than just their pronouns. Getting someone’s pronouns is just one part.
So whether you're working with TGNC folks, know someone who just came out as non-binary, or are simply looking to be a better ally (and props for that), here are some tips on how to respect TGNC folks beyond remembering their pronouns–and what respecting them beyond their pronouns really means.
INTRODUCE YOURSELF USING YOUR OWN PRONOUNS:
If you introduce yourself by saying, "Hey, I'm Sarah, and I use she/her pronouns," it makes it easier for TGNC folks to do the same. And remember, there’s no way to tell someone’s pronouns by looking at them–even if you think they’re cis. (Cis people use alternative pronouns sometimes too!) When asking others to share pronouns, it shouldn’t be because there is someone whose gender you’re unsure of. Pronouns are a tool for communication, not an indicator of gender, and the purpose of sharing them in conversation is to make that communication more effective (effective meaning making sure everyone is seen and addressed in a way that makes them comfortable). If you’re going to ask someone to share pronouns, you should ask everyone to share pronouns! You can also normalize sharing them by adding them to your social media bio and email signature. This also gives an easy opportunity for others to communicate their own pronouns without putting anyone on the spot.
THINK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS OVER GENDER:
Inclusive terminology goes far beyond pronouns. Think about what it is you’re asking them–does gender need to be specified at all? If you ask yourself to reflect on this regularly, it will help you to remove that association of a particular gender with a relationship. You don’t know anyone’s gender or sexuality, and it’s often even easier and more efficient to communicate with gender neutral language until you know the gender or pronouns of the person you’re referring to specifically. For example, rather than open a lecture by saying, "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen," consider opting for "students." Likewise, rather than ask about someone's assumed "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," you can always use the gender-neutral term "partner." or “spouse.” If you're related to someone TGNC, opt for "child" over "son/daughter" or "sibling" rather than "brother/sister."
CONSIDER INTERSECTIONALITY:
Race, class, sexuality. etc. all inform our experiences of gender. How a white woman and a Black woman experience womanhood will not be the same. It’s important to remember in your advocacy work that there’s not just one way to support someone, and there won’t be just one way people are asking for support. Their experience will be specific to their identity, and it’s important to listen to the folks you’re hoping to advocate for in order to hear what it is they’re really asking for.
UNDERSTAND THE SPECTRUM OF GENDER:
Not every TGNC person goes by he, she, or the gender-neutral "they." Some people have more than one set of pronouns, and others use options such as "ze." As mentioned earlier, to get it right, simply start by using your own pronouns and making it clear you’re a safe person to share with.
Also, not every TGNC person uses the language of transgender or non-binary. From genderfluid to genderqueer, gender is comparable (but not the same thing!) as sexual orientation in that there is an umbrella of words to describe someone’s gender. As always, don't be afraid to ask conscientiously if you’re unsure what specific language to use..
DO YOUR RESEARCH:
While it’s definitely better to ask someone what language you should use for them than to assume and be wrong, it’s even more helpful for everyone if cis people make the effort to learn more about gender expansive experiences and terminonlogy on their own. From organizations such as the Human Rights Campaign to the Trevor Project to even watching popular shows like Euphoria, there are many resources out there. It's also helpful to read essays written by TGNC folks, especially from teens or POC. The Condé Nast publication Them is a great place to start for first-person experiences. It’s also important to mention that terms and people are ever evolving, changing, and growing, so learning and research is an ongoing process.
SUPPORT TGNC-LED ORGANIZATIONS AND TGNC PEOPLE:
Did you like an article you read on Medium written by a TGNC person? Well, why not consider subscribing to their Patreon to support them, and continue your exposure to their writing?. While giving money directly to individuals can sometimes be the best way to go, if you find an organization whose work with TGNC folks impresses you, consider donating there as well to help support the project..
TALK TO OTHERS:
Talking to cis friends and family is also a really important way to support trans people. Unfortunately, regardless of their gender, many people are related to or know someone who harbors a transphobic mindset. So, especially if you are in a position of privilege, when you go home over the holidays or hear an acquaintance make a hurtful, harmful and transphobic joke, please go ahead and begin a conversation about how damaging their words and actions are.
ADVOCATE AT WORK:
Going home for the holidays can be scary. But an abusive work environment can rob TGNC of their livelihood. So, if you're in a position of privilege and notice that your workplace hasn't adopted gender-neutral bathrooms, added pronouns in email signatures, or are actively engaging in gender-based harrassment or discrimination, speak up.
STAY UP TO DATE POLITICALLY:
Do you know which local political candidates have a platform for gender equality and equity, and who supports anti-LGBTIA+ bills? If you don't already vote, especially in local elections, educate yourself on local politicians, and support those who support real change. It's even better if you're vocal in your support and share this information with your circle via social media, and encourage others to join you at any political events you participate in.
REMEMBER THAT TITLES MATTER, TOO:
Not everyone is a Mr., Mrs., or Ms. Many TGNC folks use the gender-neutral 'Mx' (pronounced mix or mux). Knowing someone’s ‘title’ isn’t necessary in every interaction, but if it’s going to come up in an environment you’re a part of, it’s good to be familiar with gender expansive terms to use when appropriate.
AVOID MICROAGGRESSIONS:
FYI: You can behave rudely without cracking a Dave Chapelle-approved joke. For instance, many cis people still seem to think it's okay to ask TGNC folks about their bodies, genitals, surgery, or sex life. Do not do this. First, it’s irrelevant, intrusively curious, and it reduces TGNC people to their bodies. Ask yourself: is this something I would ask a cis stranger about their body/sex life/medical history/genitals? If the answer is no, then it’s definitely not appropriate to ask TGNC folks. A few other microaggressions to avoid include using the words “regular” or “normal” instead of “cisgender,” and using the words “real name” to describe someone’s legal or former name.
BE READY TO MESS UP:
We are lucky enough to be alive during a gender revolution. However, because things are changing, we have to get comfortable being wrong and needing to update our information sometimes. Even if you do all of your research, you're likely going to slip up at some point and say the wrong thing or hear a new word that you're not familiar with. That's okay. People can tell when your intention is to move with care and respect for those around you by the way you respond to being wrong. If you mess up, calmly apologize, learn from your mistakes, and adjust! It’s going to happen to all of us at one point or another. The important part is your commitment to learning from your mistakes.
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