Negotiating Your Needs As A Sub

Being submissive is often a misunderstood sexual identity.

Being “a submissive” means that you enjoy the submissive role in a consensual erotic power exchange, and it does not mean that you are “weak.” Since a submissive is generally the person taking the spanks, spit, or whatever else has been responsibly negotiated, they get to make the rules for what they’re comfortable with and what is off the table. Of course, a submissive also listens to and respects their dominant’s wants, desires and boundaries. But getting to the point where you can not only identify your needs but communicate and negotiate them can take time and work. 

Thanks to the sex-positivity movement and a healthier understanding of BDSM, there have never been more tools, including working with a therapist, to help you negotiate your needs as a submissive.

Below are ten sex therapist-approved tips for how to get what you want out of a D/S relationship: from uncovering fantasies to bringing them to life to reveling in post-orgasm glows and aftercare.

EXPLORE ALONE

Before you can relay your needs and desires to others, you first must know what they are. Whether you’re single, partnered, or poly, etc., spend some time alone to explore your fantasies. Sure, it’s a bit tricky to spank yourself–but you can masturbate, fantasize, and watch and listen to porn and erotica to get a sense of what turns you off, what turns you on, and what you feel open to. There is no one right way to be a sub. From impact play to degradation to water sports, anything consensual (including consensual non-consent) is a potential turn-on.

CREATE A LIST OF HARD AND SOFT BOUNDARIES

Everyone should have a list of hard and soft boundaries, regardless of their preferences and engagement with kink and BDSM. Hard boundaries refer to things that are completely off-limits. For instance, you may not want to engage in any impact play that leaves a mark. Soft limits refer to something you are curious about but not sure if you’re ready to explore. For example, being dominated by two people at once might be fun to masturbate to, but if you’re a little uneasy about trying it in real life, keep it on your soft boundaries list for now.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR DOM(ME)

Part of negotiating your needs as a sub means finding a dom(me) who has a solid understanding of their own. Remember, erotic power exchange is just that: an exchange. After creating your hard and soft boundaries list, make sure that your dom(me) does the same. Discussing your lists together is not only a healthy and vital activity, but it can also be intimate, sexy and erotic. Everyone’s boundaries, hard limits, and soft limits should be discussed and understood before engaging in a scene.. Even D/S scenes which don’t involve physical pain, such as name-calling, can cause emotional harm when not done consensually and intentionally.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE PICKY

Unfortunately, there are inexperienced dominants out there who don’t understand RACK (risk-aware consensual kink). Remember: You are in charge. If something ever feels off or you get a bad vibe about a potential partner, don’t be afraid to turn them down and listen to your intuition. There are plenty of dominant fish in the sea.

CONSIDER WORKING WITH A THERAPIST

Communicating within a relationship can be tricky, whether you’re discussing paying bills or piss play. Even very experienced kinksters run into communication traps. Because communication is the foundation for any relationship, especially kinky ones, it’s helpful to consider working with a therapist. A trained sex-positive relationship therapist can help you and your dominant discuss your wants and needs. Remember, sexuality is rarely stagnant, so your desires may ebb and flow over time. A trained therapist can help you navigate these in an insightful, knowing, healing,calm, and straightforward manner.

CREATE A SAFE WORD

It’s kink 101, but before engaging in a D/S scene, make sure to create a safe word. For some folks, it can be part of the fun to yell “stop” and “no” while in a role-playing scenario (without actually wanting your dominant to stop), which is why a completely unrelated word is necessary to communicate within a scene without confusion. So, if you shout your safe word, whether it’s “pineapple” or “wealth redistribution,” your Dom(me) will instantly know you want to stop, and they will safely end the scene. Dom(me)s don’t (and shouldn’t) actually want to harm their submissive(s), so it’s crucial to know when play goes too far. 

REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE THE POWER

As noted, erotic power exchanges are an exchange, not one-directional. Submissive partners aren’t having their power taken from them, they are consensually allowing their dominant partner to “control” the scene. However, that being said, submissives still have control. Submissives are consensually surrendering to their partner, but they get to say the safe word at any time, just like they get to state hard and soft boundaries clearly. 

CHECK-IN THROUGHOUT THE SCENE

While negotiating beforehand is crucial, as is aftercare, explore checking in with your dominant throughout the scene. How you decide to do that is between you and your partner(s). Some folks utilize a stop light system: they ask their partner what color they’re at to gauge how they’re feeling about the scene. Green means everything’s great, keep going, yellow can mean to slow down or to take a break for a moment, and red means to stop completely and immediately. This helps both partners stay present in the scene if they want to, while also providing an easy way to check in periodically and stop if they need to. 

PRIORITIZE AFTERCARE

Even when everything in a scene is done by the books, being a submissive can take an emotional, mental, and physical toll. Aftercare refers to literally taking care of one another after sex or a D/S scene. Aftercare may look like bringing ice for bruises, snacks to raise blood sugar, and plenty of snuggling. Sometimes, during a scene, we can get unintentionally triggered. Even when a role-playing scenario is hot and consensual, you may still feel down afterward. Plenty of people even cry when they have orgasms! Emotional expression isn’t a bad thing, it just means you maybe had an intense scene. If you are neglected afterward, this could lead to or perpetuate trauma, relationship dynamics you’re trying to change/recreate or conflict between you and your dominant. However, with the proper aftercare, an intense scene can lead to bonding and healing from past experiences.

REMEMBER THAT DOM(MES) NEED LOVE TOO

Yes, your dominant may be the one holding the whip, but just like you, they need love too. You may be the one with the bruises, but dominating another can be very taxing, even when it’s gratifying. So don’t forget to ask how your dominant is doing and provide them with aftercare too!

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