9 Myths About Authority-Based Relationships
Authority-based relationships are built on consensual, erotic power exchange.
They’re often known as dominant/submissive or D/s relationships, and exist within the realm of BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism). These relationships can include everything from a dominatrix and their submissive, to a daddy and baby girl, to a simple professor roleplay.
Not only are such dynamics common fantasies that can be extremely sexually fulfilling, they also offer us a chance to explore our shadow sides! This could be feeling like a little girl who wants to be held or the man who only feels safe showing his submissive side to his dominatrix. But, due to the sex-negative society we exist within and poor portrayals in the media, there are many misconceptions about authority-based relationships.
BELOW ARE NINE COMMON MYTHS ABOUT AUTHORITY BASED RELATIONSHIPS:
THE D/S DYNAMIC EXISTS 24/7
Some people in authority-based relationships indeed opt for 24/7. In such a setup, often the dominant partner “collars” the submissive, even giving them an actual collar to wear. In other 24/7 D/S relationships, the sub may wear a chastity belt to mark their place. However, such relationships are advanced and only practiced in a percentage of authority-based relationships. Most people who enjoy this consensual power exchange keep the dynamic in the bedroom (or dungeon). Many submissives are quite dominant in their daily lives, and sometimes vice-versa, and the D/s dynamic they play with in their sex life is a way to engage with that side that goes ignored in their day to day life.
ALL MEN ARE DOMINANT.
It’s outdated and gendered to assume that all men are the dominant partners in authority-based relationships. While some men may adopt a dominant role in daily life, many men also get off on submission, as demonstrated by the enduring popularity of dominatrixes. Conversely, many women much prefer the dominant role. Assuming otherwise can create unnecessary shame around healthy tendencies, in addition to reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes. And many nonbinary and genderqueer individuals also enjoy the D/s dynamic–the role you choose is determinded not by your gender but by your desires! Some people who, no matter their gender, enjoy being both dominant and submissive, so they alternate the role they embody. This is called a switch
THE DOMINANT PARTNER IS ALWAYS OLDER.
Using the word “daddy” in bed has never been cooler. Indeed, the daddy dom/babygirl dynamic, in which one partner acts as a nurturing caretaker (often with a strong disciplinarian streak), can offer pleasure and healing. But here’s the thing — not only are there plenty of “mommies,” but “daddy” can be a gender-neutral term. Anyone, regardless of their gender or age, can enjoy this form of authority-based relationship and the title “daddy.” So while an older man may appear when you search for daddy, within erotic power exchange, anyone can be daddy.
THE SUBMISSIVE PARTNER IS POWERLESS.
In authority-based relationships, it’s critical to understand that the dynamics of the relationships rely on the exchange of power, not on one partner having power over the other. The submissive may appear powerless, especially if they are bound and gagged, but, in an authority-based relationship that’s done well, the submissive has just as much power over themselves as the dominant. While in the scene the goal may be to feel powerless, the submissive is making the conscious choice to submit to their partner, not having their power forcibly taken away. They consensually negotiate the scene, a safe word, and boundaries well before anyone gets undressed or puts on a ball gag.
IT’S A FORM OF ABUSE.
Any behavior can become abusive, and abusive partners can use their involvement within the kink community to pass off the harm as kink. It doesn’t help that the most-watched media representation of an authority-based relationship, 50 Shades of Grey, depicts an unhealthy and abusive relationship under the guise of kink. However, in healthy authority-based relationships, the reality is the exact opposite: it involves extensive communication, planning, negotiating, and consent.
Authority-based relationships can act as a form of therapy and healing, and allow one to work on their shadow parts while developing intimacy with their partner; and, crucially, unlike in abusive dynamics and common portrayal of these dynamics, everyone has the power to opt out.
AUTHORITY-BASED RELATIONSHIPS ARE EXPENSIVE.
Not everyone can afford to transform their basement into a dungeon, and that’s perfectly fine. Props, sexy furniture, and toys can be fun additions to authority-based relationships, but they are not required. A belt can act as a hand restraint, and a wooden spoon from the kitchen is excellent for spanking. Let’s not forget that the hands, mouth, teeth, and verbal cues are also the hottest sex toys on the planet. You don’t need to feel guilty for purchasing sex toys, and they aren’t required. You actually don’t need to spend a dime to make all of your fantasies come true!
DOMINANT PARTNERS DON’T EXPERIENCE DROPS.
You may have heard of “sub drop,” in which a decrease in endorphins, cortisol, epinephrine, and adrenaline after an intense scene causes the submissive partner to have an emotional drop. This requires aftercare, which means taking care of the sub by icing their bruises, giving them water and something to eat, and plenty of verbal reassurance and cuddles. When practicing aftercare, don’t forget that dominants need love too. A “dom(me) drop” is when the dominant partner experiences a drop as well. Handing out spanking, name-calling, and rope play can be just as taxing as receiving it. Make sure that aftercare is a two-way street and that all involved receive the support and care they need too.
AFTERCARE IS AN AFTERTHOUGHT.
Aftercare is everything. Without aftercare, any scene can lead to emotional or physical harm. When you’re in an authority-based relationship, you want everyone to have a good time and feel cared for. That means that aftercare discussions take place ahead of time. Do you like to spend the night? Perhaps you need snuggles and ice cream after an intense scene. Maybe you want to be held and enjoy some pillow talk. Either way, aftercare is as important as warming up and using lube. Without it, a sexy scene can further traumatize rather than heal.
AUTHORITY-BASED RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALL THE SAME.
Does the whole “daddy” thing creep you out? Maybe you’re a vegan turned off by a leather-heavy dungeon. There is no wrong or right way to exist in an authority-based relationship as long as communication, consent and respect are present. Just like in a non-kinky dynamic, you and your partner(s) get to decide what works for you and what doesn’t–there is no map to follow when it comes to what brings you pleasure. There is an authority-based relationship for every couple (or throuple, or quad) that exists. Discussing and experimenting to learn what works best for you is half the fun!
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