10 Tips for Coming Out "Later" In Life
As our cultural understanding of queer people and queer experiences is growing, we’re seeing big changes in our communities–especially with regards to coming out being more and more common amongst younger LGBTQ+ people.
For example, according to a survey reported on by NBC news, 20% of respondents age 18-34 identify as* LGBTQ+. This is a huge increase over the 12% of respondents in Gen X and the only 7% of baby boomers!
While this is wonderful for our community–that people feel safe and accepted enough to come out in larger numbers–it also means much of the coming out conversation is focused on young people. But young queer people aren’t the only members of our community learning how and when to come out! In fact, as the percentages for out queer people in the older generations is so much lower, it makes sense that lots of our community members would need to come out later in life.
THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS TO COME OUT AND LIVE AUTHENTICALLY REGARDLESS OF YOUR AGE.
Coming out is a very personal thing, and there are many factors to consider each time it comes up. An obvious one, of course, is safety. While the culture is improving in this regard, there is still a huge amount of homophobia in America, which makes coming out literally quite dangerous in some circumstances. For queer folks whose adolesence was in a time where gay marriage wasn’t legal, or they had to hide their relationship in public, safety would naturally be a large obstacle that prevented them from being safe to come out in their youth.
BUT BEYOND THAT, THERE IS NO ONE TIMELINE WHICH QUEER PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR LIVES BY!
Everyone is on their own trajectory. Think of a first kiss: some people have their first kiss at twelve, others at twenty. Neither one is “wrong” because the circumstances that led to them were unique to the person experiencing it. The same is true for coming out. While it can seem like a “milestone” to be hit by a certain age, in reality it is very different for every person.
Some people might not have known they were queer until later in life! If they had never been around queer people, writing, art, or movies they might not have had the language to explain their experience, or a community to connect to that could help them explore their identity.
Coming out is complicated and personal; the most important part of coming out is that you do it on your own terms. That means coming out:
When you feel safe to do so
When doing so makes you feel seen
When doing so helps affirm your identity
WITH THAT SAID, HERE ARE 10 TIPS FOR COMING OUT “LATER” IN LIFE:
1) BE CURIOUS
Being able to share ourselves with others has to start internally. Have you gotten curious with yourself yet? What did coming out to yourself feel like? Was it relieving? Was there fear? Start by exploring those parts: any internalized homophobia, shame parts, and fear parts. What are their motivations? What’s driving that fear or shame? What are their impulses? How do you see them show up in your behavior? When you start to engage with these parts of yourself, you can begin the work of separating your identity from that shame and fear.
2) READ MORE ABOUT INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA
Internalized homophobia is what occurs within queer people raised in LGBTQ-oppressive or homophobic environments. It is the process of unconsciously learning that being straight is the correct way to be, and that being anything else is deviant or wrong or unnatural. While, on a rational level, queer people may not believe this of themselves, those lessons are hard wired into us from a young age, and can contribute to those feelings of fear and shame we have when coming out. Starting to engage with and unpack your own internalized homophobia can help lessen those feelings of fear and shame, and help you feel more at home with yourself.
A few resources to help get you started:
3) REMEMBER YOU CAN START SMALL
You don’t have to make your coming out a big announcement (unless you want to!). To you, coming out can be whatever helps you feel seen and affirmed in your identity. This could be dressing in a way that expresses your gender in a way that feels authentic, rather than just what’s expected of you. It could be saying “my girlfriend” or “my partner” in conversation with someone new. You don’t have to take on the burden of making a big announcement every time you share a part of yourself if that doesn’t feel right for you.
4) BUILD COMMUNITY
Building a supportive community of other LGBTQ+ folks can offer you a space to build a support network, get insight from other members of the queer community, and find a place of both connection and solidarity. Look for queer organizations in your community to join–many will have special interest clubs you can join to make LGBTQ+ friends who share your hobbies!
5) FIND AN LGBTQ+ COMPETENT THERAPIST
Choosing a therapist can be tricky, but finding an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist is a great way to build up that supportive network you may need. They can provide tools and resources for you as you process when, how or why you’d like to come out to those in your life. It’s important to find an LGBTQ+ competent therapist however, so that you don’t have to do additional emotional work in therapy explaining your identity to your therapist.
6) LEARN ABOUT QUEER AND TRANS HISTORY
Queer and trans people have been around throughout all of history! It can be easy to overlook that, as their impacts are often left out of what we’re taught–or any sign of their queer identity is ignored when talking about them. Here are a few places to get started:
7) BRING MORE QUEERNESS INTO YOUR SPACES
Just as we said above, building a supportive LGBTQ+ community is an important tool for both self acceptance and coming out! But this doesn’t just apply to your social life. Look at other areas in your life, is there queerness in those spaces? Do you follow queer creators on social media? Do you read books and articles written by queer writers? Do you watch movies or listen to music from queer artists? Adding queer voices and art to your everyday life is a great way to combat internalized homophobia by showing how rich and expansive queer experiences can be, but also to inspire you to find new ways to explore and express your own queerness!
8) THINK CRITICALLY
Start to think critically about the culture around you. Can you identify how cis and hetero supremacy permeate everyday life? Can you begin to identify microaggressions that exist within us, our cultures, institutions, etc? How can you start to change your own behavior to reflect that new knowledge? And how do those changes in behavior help you feel more affirmed in your queer identity?
9) BEGIN TO UNLEARN AND RELEARN:
No matter your gender or sexuality, life is one long process of unlearning or relearning. Using the critical thinking skills discussed above, practice shifting your language when you identify any internalized biases or microaggressions popping up in your own language or actions. Getting in the habit of practicing this self awareness is crucial, as it can be extremely disorienting when we project our internalized homophobia onto those around us. And that, in turn, can keep us from taking safe risks in sharing ourselves! Learning to identify when we’re projecting that fear and shame will help us to self correct when we notice it happening.
10) START BY SHARING WITH SOMEONE WHO FEELS SAFE
Of course, when you make the choice to share your identity, start with someone who feels safe! The most important thing when coming out is that you feel safe and seen. Don’t rush into telling someone just to tell them. Make sure they are someone you trust, who will provide you with the affirming support you need!
*language used in NBC report of the survey
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