G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talks with Gabrielle Kassel at Shape about Setting Sexual Boundaries
CHECK OUT G&STC’S DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN TALKING WITH GABRIELLE KASSEL AT SHAPE ABOUT SETTING SEXUAL BOUNDARIES AND HOW IT CAN HELP IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE.
Put simply, boundaries delineate what is allowed from what is not allowed. "They are something you can design — and when applicable, communicate with others — to protect your time, energy, or emotions," says explains Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC.
There are many different types of boundaries: Physical, emotional, time, sexual, intellectual, and material, to name just a few. But regardless of the type of boundary, the goal of boundaries is ultimately to make your life as full, safe, comfortable, and empowered as possible.
"Anything that determines how you're okay with others interacting with your body and space, what you choose to share with others, how you're available to others, how you prioritize your time, your communication expectations, and more could be classified as a boundary," they say.
"Sexual boundaries can also name things you're definitely not interested in, things you're probably not interested in, things that don't bring you pleasure, things that cause you discomfort or distress that you want to avoid, things you're unsure about, not interested in, and more," says Kahn.
What to Do If Your Sexual Boundaries Are Crossed
"It's important to communicate when your boundaries are crossed," says Kahn. "If you feel safe, naming that your boundary has been crossed and addressing it at that very moment can be very beneficial," they say.
Once the sex act has ended, you want to learn if it was an innocent mistake, or if they knowingly crossed your boundary. If it was the former, Kahn recommends reminding your partner of the boundary, then asking for the aftercare you need. You also want to make a game plan on how you can both feel safe moving forward, he says.
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A sexual boundary would be your own personal limits in a sexually intimate or sexual context.
Something you're not comfortable with or unsure about now might be something you're interested in later on–or the other way around. Taking time to check in with your partner(s) about their boundaries every now and then is good practice to ensure everyone feels comfortable communicating changes as they feel them.
While boundaries can communicate our desires and limits, discussing boundaries isn't a substitute for getting consent within each sexual interaction. Boundaries are more of an overarching understanding of what limits are, while consent can often be specific. It is an ongoing, informed, and specific mutual understanding of enthusiastic desire that can be withdrawn at any time and happens in the absence of pressure or coercion.
You can use your own experiences to determine what has worked for you and what hasn't in the past. Are there things you have tried that you thought you would enjoy but didn't? Or things that left you feeling uncomfortable or any degree of distress? It's good to explore those moments as you can tolerate it, and determine if new boundaries need to be established to avoid those feelings in the future.
You can also use your imagination–boundaries aren't just a negative thing after all, they help us prioritize our energy and pleasure. Think of any sexual fantasies you have–what are the things that excite you about those fantasies? Are they things you would want to try in real life, or just fantasize about? What are the boundaries of the fantasy? What can that tell you about your desires and limits in real life?
With your partner you can try something like a yes/no/maybe list. This would be a list with various sexual experiences written out, and space for you and your partner to write "yes" "no" or "maybe" next to each one, indicating that it's something you know you're interested in, something you know you're not interested in, or something you're unsure of. This can be an easy way to get the conversation going, and can be used as a jumping off point for future discussions.
It's important to communicate when your boundaries are crossed. If you feel safe, addressing it in the moment can be very beneficial. Let your partner(s) know that you need to stop for a moment (or perhaps entirely, and engage in some form of aftercare) and let them know what it was specifically that violated your boundary. You can work through it with your specific partner(s) if there are any other boundaries that need revisiting, and how you can both feel safe moving forward.
It can also be helpful to have a co-created plan for what to do, how to communicate, and what you need when a boundary has been crossed. This can include specific words to say, ways to comfort, ways to respond, etc.