G&STC Director Jesse Kahn Talks With Shape About Couple Privilege

CHECK OUT G&STC’S DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN TALKING WITH ALEX SHEA AT SHAPE ABOUT COUPLE PRIVILEGE.

THE ORIGINS OF THE TERM

“The term originally started among the scientific community as "marital and couple privilege," referring to the advantages a couple has that a single person doesn't, according to Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W.-R., a sex therapist and the director at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center. It was co-opted by the ethical non-monogamy community as "couple privilege," where "a new person is dating one or both people within a previously established couple and the established relationship has the 'advantage,'" says Kahn.”

START WITH AWARENESS

“If you're coupled up, you could be making single people feel inferior without knowing it because you may not recognize these privileges. ‘Navigating couple privilege is not one size fits all,’ says Khan. ‘It can start with asking yourself where your bias shows up.’ If you can own up to your actions and their connection to couple privilege, then you can better understand your role in this phenomenon.”

HOW DO YOU PRIORITIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

“If you're part of a couple, ‘you can also start reflecting on how you prioritize your relationships and why,’ suggests Khan. Are you willing to make sacrifices for your romantic partnership to grow but not your other relationships? ‘Rather than assuming you should make all decisions based on this cultural relationship hierarchy, think about what makes the most sense for each specific situation, you, and your relationships.’ The decisions you make should reflect all of the relationships in your life, not just your romantic partnership.”

STRENGTH IN NUMBERS

“If you catch yourself caught up in the mess of it or as Khan says, ‘worn down from couple privilege,’ seek support in numbers or in affirmations. ‘Navigating life solo, in our specific cultural context, is a unique experience, and having a group of friends who understands that can help.’”