A Conversation about Core Beliefs with Sula & Hope

HOPE: I think “core beliefs” is a phrase that gets thrown around often in reference to the ways we feel about ourselves, but it might be helpful if you could ground us in what it actually means! What is a core belief?

SULA: A core belief is a deeply held assumption about ourselves, others, or the world. These are often formed in childhood, and can have a major impact on the way we behave throughout our lives. We can categorize core beliefs about the self into three categories: 

• Helplessness

• unlovability

• worthlessness. 

Unfortunately, because oppressive messages are so pervasive, many people with marginalized identities have core beliefs around their worthlessness or unlovability. This is, in essence, internalized oppression. 

For example: a trans person who has been reprimanded by their parents and laughed at by peers for dressing as they chose since they were young might have a core belief that they are unlovable. 

We can also have core beliefs about others; for example, the same trans person might have a core belief that other people are untrustworthy. A core belief like this could cause the person to self-isolate, and could drive struggles like depression or anxiety. 

S: Something I have heard about core beliefs is that they don’t always align with our values or what we know to be logically true. Could you talk us through this a bit?

H: Absolutely. This is fairly common! Just because we know something in the factual sense doesn’t mean that every part of us has caught up with this knowledge. 

While we might view other people as loveable and worthy and understand, on the surface, that our inherent lovability and/or worth are no different than others’, it’s often not so simple to get that logic to translate neatly and quickly to our emotional spheres. 

Like you alluded to before, this mismatch between what we know and what we feel becomes even more difficult when factors like internalized oppression come into play. 

Those of us inhabiting queer and trans identities have basically been spammed throughout our lives with reasons why we’re not lovable or worthy, so naturally these ideas rub off onto us. Often, by the time we have recognized these beliefs as negative core beliefs, we have already “learned” them to be deep truths on an emotional level. Still, even when we have internalized these messages, it isn’t too late to begin or continue the work of unlearning them!

S: So what does someone do when they recognize that their core beliefs are being reinforced by the people around them?

H: Being put down by those close to us can be immensely painful, and it is okay to be affected by these experiences. Believing on some level that we are worthy of being loved and celebrated for all that we are but consistently receiving the opposite messages from those around us can feel like an unwinnable game of chess. Still, it’s important to care for ourselves in any ways we can to combat these negative messages. 

I would recommend taking some space from the people who make you feel bad about yourself if that’s possible for you. It’s okay to only choose friendships and relationships with people who are willing to examine the ways in which they make you feel! However, In some situations, you may not feel like you have that option to discontinue the relationship. 

For example: if you live with the people who are reinforcing those negative beliefs, there are still some ways you can take the space you need. It might be an act of self-care to close your door, put in headphones, or let the people around you know that you’re not willing to continue hurtful conversations. 

Taking space does not eliminate the negative messages we receive about ourselves, but it can give us the time we need to decompress and practice reframing or dive into any of our trusty coping skills.

Another important piece of unpacking negative core beliefs specifically for queer and trans people can be connecting with community. I’m defining community broadly here because not all of us can be surrounded by those with shared identities in real life for a variety of reasons! Many of us are surrounded by people who do not share our LGBTQIA+ identities; this might mean more microaggressions, increased exposure to homophobia and/or transphobia, and feeling like we’re alone or abnormal because of the identities we hold. 

Connecting with others like us is quite literally life-saving, and it reminds us that our marginalized identities are incredible and beautiful and do not make us any less lovable or worthy. 

H: So, Sula, does this all mean that someone has to completely eliminate their negative core beliefs before they can be happy?

S: No, not necessarily! Core beliefs are by definition deep-seated, but they don’t have to dictate all of our thoughts or behaviors. Your therapist may have introduced you to the cognitive model, which tells us that events (of any size) in our lives prompt automatic thoughts (typically rooted in our core beliefs). These thoughts spark our emotional reactions, which prompt our behaviors. Exercises are out there to help you “put your thoughts on trial”--in other words, evaluate your automatic thoughts, and consider how a different thought could trigger a more positive emotion and helpful behavior. If we do this consistently, we can effectively train ourselves to see things from a different perspective. Ideally, this will, in turn, offer counter-evidence to your negative core beliefs. 

A therapist might also ask you to engage simultaneously in acceptance and change. This can mean acting in ways that align with your values and with the qualities of people you admire, even if those may be at odds with your core beliefs. We can recognize our core beliefs, look at them with compassion, acknowledge where they came from, and still experiment with acting in opposition to them. 

For example, let’s take the common core belief, “I am worthless.” 

A trans person who holds this core belief and who wishes to transition might have a hard time believing that they deserve to feel affirmed in their gender. But they might look to trans elders and “possibility models” (concept courtesy of Janet Mock) and admire that those folks persevered even in the face of extreme self-doubt. This person wouldn’t have to eradicate their core belief of worthlessness before they begin their transition; in fact, they might even begin to recognize their self-worth on a deep level as they feel more and more affirmed in who they are through transitioning. 

Rest assured, the fact that you want to disavow these negative core beliefs is already a great sign! You can absolutely live a happy and healthy life while you are still in the process of working to unlearn negative core beliefs.

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN COLLABORATIVELY BY G&STC THERAPISTS IN TRAINING HOPE GLASSMAN & SULA MALINA. FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.