G&STC Director Jesse Kahn Talks With Well+Good About How to Explore Your Sexuality While in a Monogamous Relationship
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Well + Good about how to explore your sexuality while in a monogamous relationship.
Talk with your partner
If your partner isn’t aware of your desire to explore your sexuality, loop them in if you feel safe in doing so. Withholding information from your partner can intensify the anxiety that they may react poorly.
Beyond quelling nerves, sharing with your partner can actually improve intimacy and trust within your relationship, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. “This might be an opportunity for you two to have a larger conversation about desires, fantasies, and new ways of being sexual,” they say. And, who knows? Maybe your partner is also interested in exploring their own sexuality.
Ask yourself how important it is to you to hook up with people of other genders
To be clear, it’s absolutely possible to explore your sexuality and affirm your queerness within a monogamous relationship. “You definitely don’t need to go hook up with a bunch of people to explore your sexuality,” says Kahn. “You don’t have to have experiences with anyone of any gender in order to confidently declare that you are bisexual, or queer, or pansexual.”
Journal
“Journaling allows you to explore your queer sexuality and think about what that means to you,” says Kahn. They recommend the following journal prompts:
What does it feel like when I say my identity out loud?
What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word queer/bisexual/pansexual?
Where in my body do I feel my queerness the most?
How can I express my queerness in my sex life with my current partner?
How can I celebrate my queerness with my friends? What about with my partner?
What still feels distant and unknowable about my sexuality?
If relevant, why am I having trouble connecting with my sexuality? What are my roadblocks?
How did/does “straightness” show up in my life before beginning to explore my sexuality?
How did/does compulsory heterosexuality influence the way my partner(s) and I behave around and toward one another?
In what ways does exploring my sexuality feel healing to me?