How To Nurture And Reparent Your Inner Child

You are every age you’ve ever been, all at once — meaning at any time you’re carrying the wisdom of your oldest self and the innocence of your child self. Many people who experienced trauma or neglect as children have wounds that were sealed in deep within their beings as they grew older. Even for folx who haven’t experienced child neglect or trauma, there could’ve been negative experiences or things said to you that have stuck with you through the years. 

Nurturing and providing healing to your inner child is important because otherwise that part of you can stay stuck, impacting your present day emotions and experiences. 

The brain is especially receptive at a young age, until about 4-years-old. This means that our experiences up until that point will have a large impact on our emotional routines and information we use going forward. Based on the roles we were told to play in our family (whether verbally or nonverbally), our brains created our own unique survival tactics. These tactics were informed by the adults in our lives, through observing how they processed emotions, particularly sadness & anger.  This becomes a sort of script for the unconscious mind when making decisions. Nurturing and re-parenting your inner child allows you to examine and re-write that script. 

So how can you go about doing that?

Formulate a dialogue.

In order to nurture and heal your inner child, first you need to acknowledge their existence. Start simple, with phrases like:  “I see you, I hear you.” Then, when you’re ready to get a little deeper, spend time genuinely getting to know them. Sit down with the intention of connecting with your inner child through journaling, therapy, or meditation. Let them know that you value their safety and consent, that you want to make choices for their best interest now. It’s important that your inner child knows they can release this repeating cycle of the past–but that can only happen when safety is established. 

Use this as a model for a continual dialogue with your inner child going forward. Remember to come back to them, check-in with them, and listen to their needs. 

Look at or recreate pictures.

If you have access to photos of your child self, look at them  to pull yourself back to any emotional scripts you may want to re-write. If you experienced neglect, it’s possible you want to look at those pictures while cuddling yourself and whispering soft affirmations of love and protection.

However, for some it may not be possible to look back at photos. If you are LGBTQ, it’s possible that  looking at childhood memories could trigger dysphoria or other emotional responses that aren’t conducive to healing. In that case, recreate moments of your childhood through art or collage to create the child self you craved to be permitted to be. This is an affirmation to many trans and GNC folx that your identity has always been valid, even when you weren’t given the space to express or explore it. 

Write your inner child a letter.

Let them know you are done repeating the past. 

Write them a letter with everything you needed to hear as a child — whether it was love and nurturance or a safe space to express your emotions or opportunities to play and be a kid. It could go something like this, “You deserve more chances to play with other kids your age instead of taking on responsibilities that the adults in your life would’ve been handling. Play is a vital space to grow, learn, and heal. I’m sorry you didn’t get that chance.” 

After you’ve written your letter, you could take it with you to therapy and read it out loud to process further or it’s possible you may want to read it during a solo meditation practice. Create a process that feels good for you as a way to read this letter out loud.  

Allow them space to play.

Children learn and grow through play — it is a vital part of development. If you weren’t allowed ample space to play with yourself or peers, this could be an important part of connecting with your inner child. As we grow older, we deprioritize play often infantilizing it as too childish for mature adults to engage in. But that is so far from the truth, play has the ability to heal. 

When you were a child, did you crave a toy or game that you weren’t allowed to have? Maybe a trampoline or an easy bake oven or going to an amusement park. If it’s possible, invest in that experience for your inner child. Create opportunities that are simply focused on play.  

Say affirmations out loud to your inner child.

Choose some affirmations that your inner child wants to hear, that would be healing for them, and write them down on a post it note in your room. Take a moment every morning to read these affirmations out loud to your inner child. 

Some suggestions to get you started: 

• “I love you”

• “I’m sorry we went through that”

• “You deserve bodily autonomy”

• “You have a right to explore and play”

• “Your body is a good place to be.” 

Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.