What Relationship Format Is Right For Me?
The future is here! Or so it may seem, as various open relationship formats are becoming commonly talked about and more openly accepted. This is wonderful news!
While monogamy is one valid relationship format, it's just one way you can structure your relationship.
And for some people, that’s not a healthy or fulfilling structure–for which there are various forms of polyamory and ethical non monogamy that can provide that healthy and fulfilling relationship structure.
However, though non-monogamy is now more commonly and openly talked about, there is still a common misconception that you can either be completely monogamous (loving one person at a time) or completely polyamourous (not just sleeping with, but dating and having loving, long-term relationships with more than one person at a time). But, there is a lot of middle ground! While polyamory is often used colloquially as a synonym for open relationships, polyamory is only one of many forms of ethical non-monogamy.
But, like gender or sexuality–there’s an entire spectrum of relationship formats out there.
You don’t have to choose one or the other–you can find an open relationship format that works for you and your partner(s) and what you need from your relationships.
Sometimes, finding what works best for you and your partner may take some trial and error, which is why healthy, open communication is so important. It's perfectly normal to take some time to learn what works best for you and remember, you can always change your mind or adjust your relationships and boundaries as your life and needs change! Many relationships adjust their format as their needs change in life–just as it’s not realistic to assume one relationship format could work for all people, it’s also not realistic to assume that a single relationship format will be right for you forever.
There is a format for every relationship. Ideally, with the help of a sex-positive therapist to help navigate the process, you can create your own couture relationship format and adjust as needed. Though it’s not exhaustive, we’ve put together the following list on some of the most common open relationship formats, and what they mean:
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
Ethical non-monogamy, which is often abbreviated as ENM, is an umbrella term for all forms of open relationships that are navigated ethically; i.e. with the enthusiasm and consent of all people involved.
Open relationship
Open relationship is another umbrella term and can encompass all forms of consensual open relationships in the same manner ENM can. However, when used conversationally, it often refers to a relationship that is sexually open but not emotionally open. Navigating a relationship that is meant to be strictly sexual can be trickier than one thinks, as friendship can blur the lines of those emotional boundaries. Working with a sex positive therapist can help you navigate your open relationship boundaries.
Polyamory
In polyamory, not only do people have sex with more than one person, but they also date and love more than one person. In fact, "polyamory" literally translates to "many loves."
Hierarchical Poly
Within hierarchical poly relationships, a person has a primary partner and one or more secondary partners. To a stranger, a hierarchical poly person may appear to be in a monogamous relationship with their primary partner. However, their other relationships still hold value. Therefore, when one is in a hierarchical poly relationship, it is important not to neglect your secondary partner and allow your primary to have enough time with your metamours (your partner's partners).
Solo Poly
In a solo poly setup, also called non-hierarchical poly, there is no primary partner; but rather, all relationships are treated equally.
Relationship Anarchy
In relationship anarchy, all relationships are created equally, as in solo poly, but the definition of what constitutes a partner expands. In relationship anarchy, partners are not just romantic and sexual relationships. Instead, friends, roommates (often called "nesting partners,") and more are given the same weight of importance, and traditional definitions of love and relationships are rejected.
Monogamish
Monogamish is a term coined by sex writer Dan Savage and means "mostly monogamous." For some couples, this means that sexual relationships outside of their relationship may be allowed under certain conditions. For instance, let's say that one partner is going to be out of the country for a month. A monogamish couple, despite living a primarily monogamous lifestyle, may agree that during that period, casual sex or even just making out while out on the town are acceptable and natural desires. Like any relationship format, monogamish can be curated specifically to you and your unique relationship's needs.
Don't ask, don't tell
In a don't ask, don't tell (DADT) dynamic, a couple chooses not to talk about their outside partners or sexual activity. This type of relationship can sometimes be appealing for folks who are dipping into non-monogamy or just who don’t want to know what their partner is doing beyond their relationship. On paper, DADT seems like a clean cut way to keep everything separate, but remember that open relationships rely on honesty and communication. It’s still important to be prepared to talk about things that come up in an open relationship, even if you’ve chosen a DATD dynamic.
Swingers
Swingers are couples who like to play with other couples. They may exclusively play as a pair and have other couples which whom they have group sex, or swap partners, from time to time.
Triad/Throuple
A couple is not the only way to love!A triad refers to three people in a relationship. Likewise, a quad refers to four people in a relationship together. When the number increases, people often simply refer to their "poly family." Members of your poly family can include your own partners and lovers, your metamours (partners' partners), and, well, whatever you want it to be. A "closed V" is when two partners share one partner but do not have a sexual relationship themselves.
Monogamy
With the rising acceptance of open relationships, monogamy may feel rather vanilla, but for some people, it is still the relationship format that fits them best. Learning how to navigate monogamy intentionally, rather than in the way we’ve been socially conditioned to approach relationships, can make this format a more fulfilling one for both partners involved.
Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.