Check out Director Jesse Kahn Talking With Shondaland About How to Apologize.
Check out Director Jesse Kahn talking with Jay Deitcher at Shondaland about what makes a good apology.
What is an apology?
“An apology is about expressing that ‘you care about someone else’s emotional well-being and that you care about them feeling emotionally safe with you,’ says Jesse Kahn, a psychotherapist and the director and founder of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York. Kahn says making sure you are caring for the other person means taking into account their needs.”
Overapologizing
“Ultimately, Kahn cautions against over-apologizing to the point when an apology loses any sense of sincerity.”
Understanding your motivation to apologize
“When it comes to relationships, emotions are often heightened, so if you are questioning if apologizing is the right move, Kahn says you should try to understand what is compelling you to apologize. ‘You have to start with your motivation,’ they say. ‘Do you want to apologize because you feel like you did something wrong? Do you want to apologize because you’re looking for a specific outcome? Is it sincere? Does it feel forced?’
Being compassionate with yourself
“Go easy on yourself when taking inventory of your motivations, allowing yourself to feel every emotion, including ones that might scare you. Behaviors are often fueled by fear and anxiety, so it’s best to recognize that and not allow it to drive your emotions. ‘It takes a lot of courage to look at our motivations, understand them, and not vilify them,’ Kahn says. ‘Focus on being kind, loving, compassionate, and having empathy for yourself.’”
When an apology isn’t appropriate
“When an apology isn’t possible or appropriate, ‘the steps to resolving your guilt [are] around doing that work on your own,’ Kahn explains. ‘That might include forgiving yourself for things that you did while knowing that you may never get forgiveness from that person.’”
Recognizing your own behavior
“Beyond issuing a sincere apology, try to at least express empathy toward the other person even if you don’t feel like your actions were wrong. You could at least recognize that your behavior hurt them, Kahn says. Remember: You can’t change the past, but you can change your behavior today. You may have done something in your past that you regret, but you don’t have to repeat it, Kahn says.”
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Things to consider before you apologize
Do you actually not believe you need to be apologizing and if you don’t, is that because you feel you hold no responsibility in the situation or do you have a difficult time reflecting on and admitting to fault or contributing to the breakdown of whatever the apology is about?
Is it to only soothe your guilt?
Are you using the apology to manipulate or deceive?
Are you just trying to smooth over a situation without actually addressing it and genuinely repairing the hurt or harm that occurred?
Will the apology exacerbate tensions in a situation?
Is it given under pressure rather than willingly?
Is it being used in a way to avoid personal accountability or responsibility?
when the situation involves legal matters and an apology could be interpreted as an admission of guilt, so be careful there
Understanding your motivation to apologize
It involves introspection - Start by getting curious, asking yourself questions and reflecting on your patterns, motivations, intentions, and beliefs about apologies. Take time to reflect on your actions and their impact, is your apology in an attempt to avoid responsibility, do you truly understand the hurt caused.
Sure you can consider your intentions, but sometimes that doesn’t mean that your actions and the impact were in alignment with your intentions.
A genuine apology is part of fostering meaningful relationships and resolutions.
What can you do if you want to apologize but you can't?
Prioritize authenticity
Take time to reflect on your feelings and actions
Try to understand your reluctance
Process your reluctance with a therapist
Process your reluctance with a friend you trust who you feel has emotional awareness
After genuinely processing, consider if there’s a way to have an open and honest conversation about your reservations about apologizing
Trying acknowledging the situation genuinely without being in authentic or with a false apology
Be open to their perspective and affirm their perspective - this can allow you to be genuine and honest and promote meaningful communication - this can act as a non-traditional apology