Navigating Non-Monogamy When Conflicting Desires Arise
There are many challenges that can arise when navigating a non-monogamous relationship structure.
It can take a lot of work to get past feelings of shame or guilt when you grow up thinking monogamous relationships are your only options for love. So when partners within a non-monogamous relationship have conflicting desires, it can feel heavy and hard to manage. But, with intentional effort, these desires can be navigated.
Here are our tips on how to navigate non-monogamy when desires and interests are different.
Understand your communication blocks
Most of us aim to be honest and open about our desires, emotions, and boundaries yet we often struggle to do this in the face of people pleasing or defensive instincts, unwelcome emotions, and shame. Relationships in which people have different needs and desires, can make communication even more challenging, especially for those starting their non-monogamy journey. When reflecting, try to zero in on what prevents you from communicating honestly with yourself, your partner(s), and others.
What is your attachment style within your relationship? How does your attachment style enhance or inhibit speaking about your needs within the relationship?
What is your partner’s attachment style? How do your attachment styles interact?
Look back at your most vulnerable moments, how did it feel to share your feelings, desires, or boundaries with your partner? What did you like or dislike about that conversation? Consider the behaviors, communication styles, and emotions of both you and your partner.
What words, emotions, and behaviors (both your own and others) activate your nervous system? Sometimes these reactions can have roots in trauma, past relationships, and relationship wounds from childhood.
Understand each other's desires
Some people may prefer a more casual relationship, while others may be interested in a long-term, committed relationship, and each of these words will mean something different to each person. With a deeper understanding of your communication style and challenges, you can enter into a process of beginning to understand each other’s needs and desires within the relationship.
One key way of doing this is to schedule a consistent time to discuss the relationship with vulnerability. Be intentional about the setting and rituals you create around this time. Maybe you only talk while walking or on the weekends. Maybe you watch your favorite shows together or smoke a blunt in the park afterwards. Maybe you have a safety word or agreement to crack a joke when things get too heavy. Whatever you choose, make sure that you are attending to the safety and nervous system of each partner needs before, during, and after the conversation.
This practice will not only allow you to build a relationship style that fits both of you, it will also affirm that you can care for each other and increase the feelings of safety and trust within the relationship.
Be clear about boundaries
Another critical aspect of navigating non-monogamy when desires and interests are different is setting clear boundaries. However, many of us struggle to know and set boundaries within and outside of our romantic relationships. Additionally, the mainstream conversation on boundaries can reflect a privileged idea of available resources and an oppressive view of the responsibility of the individual and way of relating to others. However, it is important to be honest about what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with.
Prentis Hill famously wrote that “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” What makes you feel safe in a relationship? Unsafe?
bell hooks described genuine love as “a combination of trust, commitment, care, respect, knowledge and responsibility.” What do these words mean to you? How do you know these qualities are present in a relationship?
The answers to these questions hint at your boundaries.
Claim your emotions
In any relationship, it is important to take responsibility for our emotions. This is particularly important in non-monogamous relationships. Claiming our emotions is an internal process of boundary setting, our emotions are a part of us and we must claim all parts of ourselves to be at home within ourselves. Owning and embracing your emotions, no matter how negatively perceived or tied up in shame, is easier said than done but essential to clarifying where we end and the other begins.
A therapist that uses internal family systems (IFS) can help to identify and welcome those parts of the self that we may have had to alienate throughout life for our survival. The seven homecomings practice found in Love & Rage from Lama Rod Owens also offers a regular practice for welcoming all of the parts of ourselves and our emotions.
Seek out resources and support
Navigating a non-monogamous relationship when desires and interests are different can be challenging. It is important to seek out support when needed, such as an affirming therapist, local polyamourous meetups, and online non-monogamy groups. Because of the role the popular media plays in reinforcing monogamy, it is especially important to be intentional about everything from our social media feeds to our podcast queue and even friends. This is especially true when navigating the challenges of different desires or interests within the relationship.
So while navigating non-monogamy when desires and interests are different can be challenging, it is possible. Communication, understanding each other's desires, setting clear boundaries, taking responsibility for your emotions, and seeking out resources and support are all essential aspects of navigating a successful non-monogamous relationship. By following these guidelines, you can create a healthy and fulfilling non-monogamous relationship that works for everyone involved.
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