Mindfulness Tips for When You're Feeling Overwhelmed
There may be no scientific studies to back this up, but the sexually adventurous people of the world tend to be complex and creative. Eroticism, after all, is rooted in creativity. This is a blessing. It means your sex life can be exciting, full of variety, and engaging.
And being kinky, queer, or part of any sexual minority comes with a stigma. Unfortunately, even in 2022, there are still folks stuck in the Reagan era who believe sex should only exist between a cis man and woman, ideally married, and ideally for procreation (in the missionary position, please). According to The Trevor Project, 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year, including more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth.
Simply logging on social media to check up on friends can lead to being bombarded with not just bad news, but everyone’s take on it–which can be emotionally overwhelming. The Trevor Project has also reported that 94% of LGBTQ youth said recent politics negatively impacted their mental health.
As any grown-up reading this can confirm, it's not just the kids. Especially in the light of the overturning of Roe, which was not only a major step back for reproductive rights but, as Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas wrote, signaled that gay rights may be next on the chopping block. Long story short, it's a tough time to be a sexual minority, and it's normal, if not expected, to feel overwhelmed. Thankfully, mindfulness is a tool we can use to help manage that overwhelm.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness is a relatively simple concept utilized by Buddhists, therapists, and yogis. It can benefit anyone with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, or anyone who just needs to slow down and practice moving through their day with more intention.
The premise is simple: if you can stay in the present moment, you can keep your mind from doom-spiraling and falling into a black hole of anxious thoughts. While anxiety can often manifest in physical symptoms (sweating, migraines, digestive issues, nausea, etc.)–addressing the thoughts at the root of those symptoms is often an effective way to manage those symptoms than treating them directly. This is where mindfulness can be a helpful tool. While anxiety carries you along a rapid spiral of negative thoughts, mindfulness asks you to stay in the present moment and let those thoughts pass by you.
Rooting yourself in the present moment and letting your thoughts pass as they come helps to remind you that those horrible future scenarios you're imagining are only that: your imagination. That’s not to say that they can’t feel very real and be stressful, painful, or disruptive, but when we get into the habit of practicing mindfulness, we can learn not to cling onto those disruptive thoughts so that our minds can focus on where we are and what we’re doing.
Of course, feeling anxious isn’t the only time we can get overwhelmed; it can happen when we're triggered by an upsetting news story, insensitive comment, or any other hurt kinky, and LGBTQIA+ people must deal with it, sometimes daily.
When you're overwhelmed, you cannot live fully in the present moment and enjoy all the good things about being different, such as hot sex, your chosen family, your community, and various other moments of queer joy.
So here are some mindfulness tips to bring you back to the present when you feel overwhelmed.
Develop a meditation practice
Meditation can be as simple as sitting for five minutes in a quiet and comfortable place. Close your eyes, and focus on the sounds around you, whether it's ambient music or the white noise of your air conditioner. It can be hard to turn your brain off, so don't be too hard on yourself if your mind starts to wander. Like most things, meditation takes practice.
If you're overwhelmed by all that needs to be done to make the world a better place for LGBTQIA+ folks, turning off your brain may seem counterintuitive, but that's not the case. Meditation helps you tune out the intrusive, counter-productive, busy thoughts that distract you from the helpful and loving ones. You may also want to join a meditation group, meetup, or work with an app such as Headspace or Calm. There is also a plethora of free and helpful meditation YouTube videos online.
Practice breathing
Take an inventory right now. Are you aware of your breath? It's what keeps us alive and supplies us with crucial oxygen, but in today's busy world it's easy to forget how important proper breathing is. In addition or in conjunction with a meditation practice, try a breathing technique. One helpful one is called the four-fold or "box breath." To do this, inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, and hold for four counts. Repeat until calmness starts to flood your body (it can be shocking how helpful breathing exercises are!)
Work on noticing the world around you
When we're overwhelmed and stuck in our heads, it's easy to live there and ignore the beauty of the world around you. To help yourself get out of your head and in the present, try picking a color and noting every time you see it. For instance, if you choose green, notice the leaves on trees, traffic lights, clothing of people on the street, and hey, even money.
Utilize your senses
Think about the last time you completed a mundane task, such as doing the dishes. Do you even remember it, or do you remember the anxious thoughts in your head? This happens during sex, too. Any activities can be difficult to enjoy if you're worrying about work the whole time. Try to stay present by tuning into your senses. Focus on touch, such as the caress of a partner, taste, such as the taste of their breath; smell, such as the primal scent of your lover; sight, such as how beautiful your bodies look joining together; and sound, such as the background music, moans, and the sound of sex. It will help you get off, and when that happens, you'll get a boost of helpful chemicals from your brain's stash box to fight those overwhelming worries.
This list of mindfulness tips is far from complete, but it's a great start. To learn more, consider working with a sex-positive therapist today because your brain deserves to be filled with joy, pride, and love, not societally-induced negativity.
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