How to Negotiate a Dominance/submission Agreement
Have you ever heard of a Dominance/submission contract or agreement?
Dominance/submission (D/s) agreements are a way to help people navigate relationships where there is a consensual power exchange. These agreements, sometimes called contracts, were popularized in the mainstream via the 50 Shades of Grey series, though like many other aspects of BDSM, they were not accurately portrayed.
The idea of having a contract for a sexual relationship can be confusing, and the misinformation out there about what these agreements entail has made this concept even harder for some people to grasp, especially for those outside of the BDSM community.
Let’s unpack how D/s agreements work and how you can establish one in your relationship.
First: What is a D/s agreement?
A D/s agreement is used in some relationships where there is a consensual power exchange to outline and communicate expectations, boundaries, preferences, and how encounters (called “scenes”) will generally work.
In relationships where there is an exchange of power, one partner doesn’t have more power than the other. Instead, participants exchange power within the relationship by playing certain roles, such as Dominant and submissive.
Dominance refers to the role of exerting control, authority, or power, while submission involves yielding control, surrendering, or being obedient. These roles can be fluid and dynamic, with individuals sometimes switching roles or incorporating elements of both within their relationships.
Communication and consent are two essential pillars of BDSM relationships, and a D/s agreement can help participants engage in power exchange in a way that prioritizes communicating openly.
To understand how a D/s agreement works, you need to understand how authority-based relationships work:
“In authority based relationships, it’s crucial to understand that the dynamics of the relationships rely on power exchange, not on one partner having power over the other. Even if the dominant partner is the one giving the orders in bed, putting a collar on a submissive, or spanking their partner, that does not mean that the submissive partner is left powerless. Boundaries set up before play help in maintaining the submissive partner’s power & control, and safe words give either partner the ability to stop the play for whatever reason. Above all else, authority-based relationships are dependent on communication and trust.”
People are drawn to BDSM and power exchange because it offers a chance to explore and play while also maintaining trust, safety, and autonomy. Exploring D/s dynamics can offer a safe space to express and celebrate identities, desires, and fantasies, which can be not only exciting, but powerfully healing.
Do you need a D/s agreement to practice BDSM?
You don’t need to establish a D/s agreement to practice power exchange or BDSM, but establishing an agreement beforehand can help improve communication and clarify roles and expectations.
These agreements are powerful tools for exploring power dynamics and enhancing intimacy within relationships. Navigating these dynamics requires open communication, mutual respect, and a deep understanding of each individual's desires, boundaries, and identities.
Media like 50 Shades of Grey portray these agreements as being legally binding and unchangeable, which is not actually the case. These agreements aren’t set in stone, and anything discussed in the agreement can still be ended by either partner. The agreement just helps to define everyone’s roles and expectations so that the scene goes smoothly.
D/s agreements should be flexible and open to negotiation as partners' needs, desires, and boundaries may evolve over time. Regularly revisiting and revising the agreement ensures that it remains relevant and reflective of the dynamic between partners.
How can you approach negotiating a D/s agreement in your relationship?
Focus on Communication and Consent
Effective communication is the cornerstone of BDSM, as well as in negotiating D/s agreements. Partners need to be able to engage in open, honest conversations about their desires, boundaries, and expectations to be able to trust one another during a scene. This includes discussing preferences, limits, safe words, and any potential triggers or sensitivities. In addition to establishing a D/s agreement, partners should regularly check in with each other during the scene to ensure that boundaries are being respected and that everyone feels safe and comfortable.
Remember, consent is ongoing and can be revoked at any time if someone becomes uncomfortable or doesn’t want to continue. Having an agreement in place doesn’t mean that someone can’t change their mind about what’s going on at any point.
Respect Identities and Boundaries
Identities and experiences vary widely, and it's essential to respect each individual's unique journey. When negotiating D/s agreements, try to be mindful of how gender identity, sexual orientation, and past experiences may influence desires, boundaries, and comfort levels.
For example, transgender and non-binary individuals may have specific triggers or sensitivities related to their gender identity. It's crucial to create a supportive environment where individuals feel safe to express themselves and explore their desires without judgment or discrimination.
Ask for Support If You Need It
Navigating D/s dynamics can be challenging, and it can be hard to know where to begin when creating an agreement. Reaching out to other people who are in the BDSM scene or talking to a sex positive mental health professional can help you find resources and support as you figure out what works for you. It might also be helpful to read books, attend workshops, or explore online communities to learn more about D/s dynamics, communication skills, and negotiation techniques.
Working with a kink-aware therapist can help you address any concerns or challenges that may arise during the negotiation process. This may involve exploring underlying issues such as trauma, self-esteem, or relationship dynamics that may impact your ability to engage in D/s dynamics safely and consensually.
What goes into a D/s agreement?
Each D/s agreement will be specific to the people making the agreement, but there are some general themes. D/s agreements usually cover the following:
Preferences
What does everyone like? What kinks are we playing with? What are areas we would like to explore together? What do we all hope to engage in?
Expectations
What do we expect of ourselves and each other? Are we monogamous, or non monogamous? Do we play privately, or in a club setting, or both? How will scenes be structured? What is everyone responsible for?
Limits (soft and hard limits)
What is on the table, and what is off limits? What are things that we never want to try, and what are things that we could work up to? What are ways to tell when each participant is uncomfortable? How will we check in during the scene?
Safe words and signals
How do we signal that we want to slow down or stop play? If speaking isn’t possible, how can we signal to slow down or stop without using words?
Aftercare practices
What do we do after the scene ends? What does each person need to feel safe and cared for? How will we wrap things up?
Negotiating D/s agreements within LGBTQ+ relationships requires open communication, mutual respect, and a deep understanding of each individual's desires, boundaries, and identities. Working with an LGBTQ+ affirming sex therapist can help you navigate this process in a safe and supported way. Contact us today to set up an appointment with one of our therapists at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center.
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