How to be Non-Binary
The structure of this post is intended to demonstrate with a humorous twist that assigning specific pronouns, expression, and ways of “aligning” to a non-binary label contradicts the freedom and nature of a non-binary label. We live in a society that is constructed on binaries that do not acknowledge the complexity of gender and expression (and even when identifying as a man or woman) and this post is to affirm that your relationship with your gender is valid and supposed to be unique!
Are you someone who is beginning to identify with a non-binary label?
Someone who does not feel authentic and comfortable identifying and presenting within either side of the male-female binary? What do you do now? What should you wear? How do you rise to the occasion?
Don’t you fear, this post will go through common questions that usually come up when considering a diverse gender identity that can hopefully guide you towards learning how to be non-binary!
The following information is taken from interviews with individuals who have mastered the experience of being non-binary:
How should I present?
Well, there is a dress code. The brand is often hidden and hard to find at first, but many have figured it out. When asking the interviewees what their secret is, how they dress the part, they began asking me about what I was wearing. This confused me, but I went along with it.
They started to ask about what inspired my look? They asked me about when I get up in the morning, what influences me to choose the articles of clothing that I choose. Who am I predicting to see me? What do I want those people to think?
They explained to me that we are each individuals that go through similar thought processes. That we are not just thinking of our gender but about a multitude of other factors when choosing what to wear. Sure, a lot of it is informed by gender expectations, but across genders, the end product of leaving the house dressed in the morning varies drastically from person to person based on their unique recipe of external and internal factors.
After finishing up with this question, I was still left feeling lost. How are these individuals so confident about being non-binary when there is not a map to how they should dress and present to the world? I continued to try and find out the truth.
Have I always known I’m non-binary?
For some of the individuals that I spoke to, that may be the case, but for others, I learned about the ebbs and flows that have made up the journeys of their identities. That for some, coming to a non-binary label was more of a shift than a realization.
I did not what to do with that information, because for many binary trans folks or lesbians and gays, the common narrative was that they were born that way that even if it took time to realize their identities, it felt like more of a homecoming. How are some people not born with it?
Should I use they/them pronouns?
I believe that the answers to this question were the most confusing ones of all! Some of my interviewees used they/them pronouns, some she/they, he/they, and some even used binary pronouns such as she/her and he/him. I could not figure out what to make of this massive variety to such a simple question.
I brought up to them that when I think of non-binary, I think of they/them pronouns, isn’t that what you are supposed to use after all? My interviewees each told me their story of how that came to choosing what pronouns they currently use and each story was completely different! These non-binary people do not seem to follow any rules!
Should I take steps in transitioning? Am I transgender?
If you are non-binary, do you fall under the transgender umbrella? With that label, do you need to change your body by surgery or hormones? In other words, should you medically transition?
Several of my new friends asked me, based on the rest of what we talked about, how I think a non-binary person should transition. Well, I thought about how there is not even a consensus on what to wear, what pronouns to use, the origin of the identity, so how can there be an agreement in transition decisions?
Speaking to my interviewees, I learned about some who received surgery, some hormone therapy and surgery, some just hormones, and some did not make medical changes at all.
It seems that I finally understand the secret to being non-binary. That there is no secret, there is no map. That the whole experience of being non-binary is to recognize the complexity of gender identity and expression. To reject strict gender roles and expectations and to listen to what your body, mind, experiences, and inner wisdom guiding you to be.
Final thoughts and tips:
Hopefully the nature of this post lessened the pressure coming from the idea that you must know exactly how to be non-binary “correctly” and shows that it is about self-discovery and self-affirmation rather than finding answers. However, I will acknowledge that the information here did confirm that there are many, many choices in this journey which is up to you to sift through, which could be scary in itself. To hopefully help ease the possible overwhelm from all of this ambiguity, here are some finals thoughts:
Have fun exploring your identity and try to lessen the pressure of it!
Find a safe community of support where you can explore what feels right. You can try on different pronouns, ways of dressing, etc.. and keep what feels like gold and leave what does not.
There is no timeline to figure out what your gender identity looks like. Forcing what is not meant to be forced usually leads to much more confusion and frustration.
Good luck in your journey, and remember, it is supposed to be unique and designed by you!
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING ADINA GUTIERREZ FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.