Having Sex From A Place Of Obligation: Understanding the Underlying Dynamics and Finding Genuine Intimacy

Many people find themselves navigating the murky waters of sexual obligation. None of this is meant to make anyone feel guilty–with how inadequate most sexual education is, most people don’t even consider the gray areas of consent when teaching us how to talk about sex. Because of this, we don’t have the full language or communication skills we need for a thriving sexual relationship. Without that language and those skills, it’s all too  easy for us to fall into the routine of having sex out of perceived duty rather than genuine desire. 

So  how can you tell if you’re having sex from a place of obligation? To what extent do differing libidos contribute to this dynamic? And is it always a bad thing to have sex because it will make your partner feel good?

What does having sex from a place of obligation mean?

If one partner isn’t seeking sex, or has no desire for sex at the moment, but decides to have sex because it will make their partner feel good, bring their partner pleasure, or make their partner happy: that’s what it means to have sex from a place of obligation. 

This can range from one partner not feeling horny and still wanting to participate when their partner is horny and wants to get off, to having sex even if you’re not fully in the mood because it’s the only time you and your partner were able to find time alone together, to a partner feeling as if they have no choice but to have sex if and when their partner wants to. 

Why do people have sex from a place of obligation? 

There are many reasons people have sex for reasons other than sexual desire. Some people may get pleasure from bringing their partner pleasure, even when they don’t want to be pleasured themselves. Some people might want to make their partner happy and know that sex is a way to do that. Some people may prioritize their partner’s physical needs over their own. Some people may be afraid of saying no: out of fear of violence, fear of being ignored, fear of losing their relationship, etc. Power dynamics, sometimes influenced by financial disparities, physical strength, emotional manipulation can create an abusive sense of obligation towards sex within the relationship.

What if my partner and I have different sex drives?

If you and your partner have different sex drives, it’s important to acknowledge it. We must first name our fears, or in this case, varying libidos. While it's essential to honor your own needs, it's equally vital to consider your partner(s) empathetically. For some people, considering the prospect of an open relationship might be worth talking about. However, know that transitioning to an ethically non-monogamous  relationship model isn’t just an easy solution to any or all sexual issues within your relationship.  . It's advisable not to rush into a new relationship format without seeking guidance from a therapist or trained professional. 

If an open relationship isn’t for you (or even if it is!) , remember the power of masturbation. Maybe the partner with a more active libido can get creative with their self pleasure routines. And maybe watching or talking them through masturbating could be a way for you to take part with them sexually when you don’t want to be touched yourself. Whether it becomes a new way for you and your partner to be intimate and creative together, or just a tool for them to use to meet their own needs, masturbation is a powerful asset within a relationship. 

 Is having sex from a place of obligation a bad thing?

While you should never feel “bad,” engaging in sex should ideally stem from genuine desire and mutual understanding. While a sense of obligation isn't inherently detrimental, there are red flags. 

If you're choosing intimacy despite feeling pain or when you’re sick, when you should be resting, you might want to check-in with yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Not only is it both physically unhealthy but emotionally this obligation can create resentment toward your partner(s), and risk the trust within your relationship. 

When sex becomes a tool against the fear of losing love or even material necessities like shelter and food due to financial imbalances, the relationship is no longer a safe space for you to express your needs, and we’d urge you to seek professional support. .. 

Can it ever be a good thing?

There are as many reasons to have sex as there are people in the world. There’s not really “good” or “bad” when it comes to sex. There’s safe and unsafe, consensual or coerced, but those distinctions are different. It’s more important to explore the reasons behind why you’re having sex from obligation than to assign it a morality. 

When having sex out of obligation comes from  genuine affection and a desire to connect with or please one's partner, it can be fun and fulfilling for some people! 

And, many couples grapple with demanding schedules. This is especially true for poly couples who have multiple partners, or those whose jobs demand a lot of their schedule.. In these sorts of instances, consciously penciling in sex can just be practical. There’s nothing wrong with putting effort into sustaining passion. 

If you only have sex from a place of obligation once in a while, in a healthy and happy relationship, it’s probably not a big deal. As in all things, context and intent matter. Just remember to continue to prioritize open and continued communication

So check in with yourself. How do you feel about it? And, if you’re not sure, consider talking to someone to help hash it out.