G&STC Director Jesse Kahn Talks with Kelsey Borresen at HuffPost About Phrases Couples Therapists Never (Or Rarely) Say To Their Partners
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Kelsey Borresen at HuffPost about phrases they try to avoid in their own relationships.
‘You make me feel X.’
No matter what emotion you insert here — sad, angry or guilty, just to name a few — this kind of language is something that sex therapist Jesse Kahn tries to avoid.
“You can say, ‘I feel guilty when’ or ‘I feel ashamed when,’ but no one else is making you feel anything, and it’s unfair to put that on anyone,” Kahn, director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City, told HuffPost.
Plus, he said, it can be “healing and empowering” to take responsibility for your own emotional responses.
‘If you loved me, you would ...’
When you use this setup with a partner, you’re behaving in a manipulative way — whether you mean to or not. For that reason, Kahn is not a fan of these kinds of statements.
“You are essentially weaponizing your love, relationship and connection,” he said. “You may not be intentionally trying to manipulate someone, but it will have that impact and outcome.”
Instead, he recommends “getting curious about why the person doesn’t want to do the thing you want.” Then consider whether it’s reasonable for them to decline and use it as an opportunity to practice taking “no” for an answer.
Read the full article here.
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Any phrase that involves name calling or putting someone down, such as “you’re so crazy,” “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard,” “you’re such a jerk,” “grow up,”
Generally speaking, it’s not okay to put someone else down and a lot of times when someone uses these phrases they are overwhelmed, upset and struggling to come up with a clearer, kinder and more communicative way to say what is happening for them. If this is happening for you, take a break from the conversation. You can say “I’m feeling really overwhelmed, and I want to show up in this conversation with kindness and I’m struggling to do that right now. Can we pause and return to this conversation?” Make sure you make a plan to return to the conversation, learn the tools to soothe, and really come back to the conversation.
“You always” or “You never” exaggerations
It’s likely that when we say someone “always” or “never” does something, that it’s an exaggeration. Not only is it untrue in those situations, but it solidifies a narrative for yourself and in your relationship that is likely not particularly helpful or true. It also can lead the conversation away from what the actual conflict or difficulty is about by focusing on the credibility of the exaggeration.