Ethical Non-Monogamy: Making a Consensual Agreement

When beginning a journey with ethical non-monogamy, it can be an intimidating process to initiate.

Where do you start? What boundaries do you need to have? How do you navigate jealousy? How much do you want to know about your partner's involvements? 

Fortunately, there is a structured process that can be helpful in answering these questions with partners in order to facilitate effective communication, identify and enforce boundaries, and to figure out both yours and your partner(s) desires and how to find ways to address them. 

However, this is not just a process to do once when first exploring ENM, but something  that must be conducted with each new person you are involved with. Setting agreements in a realistic and effective manner is the foundation to successful and fulfilling non-monogamous relationships. 

Where do I start? 

Before beginning to consider relationship agreements, it is important to identify your intentions, desires, and preferences for this kind of relationship style. Some beginning questions to consider with yourself and with your partner(s) are down below. Considering these questions on your own and with a partner(s) is important in order to ensure that you agree on foundational intentions and also to set a baseline to begin identifying agreements that would be necessary to make.

• What type of ENM relationship structure works best for each person involved? 

• Why do you want to do this?

• What are you excited to explore in ENM?

• Do fears, doubts, and significant boundaries come to mind?

• Do we want to be attachment-based partners? What level of commitment do you want with this partner 

• Do you want a relationship hierarchy? 

With these questions in mind, with your partner(s), perhaps write a list answering these questions. Then, take some time to also write down the ideal experience that you are looking for. Then, with other partners, share what you came up in both the list and your desired information. Where do you overlap? What are the gray areas? Where do you really disagree? Importantly, in what areas do you need negotiation? 

Negotiation:

When making a polyamory agreement contract with others, it can at times feel like a negotiation. You both have an individual idea of what this experience can look like and are separate people with different hopes, desires, backgrounds, and boundaries. When doing this process, it is important to remember that you and your partner are working as a team, and that you are not only looking for a setup that meets your needs, but your needs as a partnership. Also, what would be the easiest context for this negotiation conversation to take place? Should it be set at an official time, a series of conversations, do you need breaks or care activities planned to ameliorate tension? 

Typically, not every single one of your needs will likely be met as a result of these agreements. Often, the negotiation process takes compromise which can sometimes lead to feelings of loss, anxiety, fear, and overwhelm. When this situation comes up, it can be helpful to seek support from your partner, a therapist, another trusted outside party, or a journal, to work through these feelings. It is important to mention that although these feelings can be worked through, you should not do anything that is completely not okay with you. It can be helpful to explore why, but you have the power to listen to yourself and honor your boundaries. 

Very often, jealousy is a huge obstacle to certain agreements which is normal. Working through jealousy is a beast of its own which can be supported through self reflection of the fears behind it. Seeking specific resources in working through relationship jealousy on your own, through a therapist, or others in the ENM community can be very helpful.

The nature of agreements:

Below are some reminders about the general nature of agreements and the negotiation process: 

• Be flexible and open to change: People change and circumstances change. What works for you and your partner may not work later. Agreements change and grow just as relationships do.

• Negotiations are an ongoing conversation: you and your partner(s) may not come to resolutions on disagreements in one conversation. Pace yourselves and remember that you are a team and why you are doing this together.  

• Be specific, honest, and realistic: When comparing your desire and preference list, try not to leave things out. This will prevent resentment building up if one of your needs are not being expressed and saves you from surprising and hurting your partner later on. With that said, of course leave room for the conversation to have human emotions and make sure to communicate in a considerate and respectful manner. 

• Predictability makes most things easier: having set agreements limits ambiguity and provides more security when venturing into an open style of relationship.  

• When a new agreement is made, try setting a period of time to test it out then check in about what worked, what did not, and whether to continue the agreement or not. 

Some other questions that address personal characteristics that may impact your experience with ENM:

What is your attachment style?

Your attachment style may have a significant influence on how you experience jealousy, handle time away from your partner, your communication style, and your needs in your relationship. Understanding this can provide helpful insight of how you can take care of yourself through difficult times navigating ENM and also provides clues for how your partner(s) can promote your sense of security in this relationship. 

Could a trauma history also impact your experience in this?

Similar to attachment style, a trauma history could also affect your sense of safety and functioning in even a monogamous relationship. Working with a mental health professional to understand your process history and triggers could be very beneficial in feeling safe to participate in a ENM relationship.

After using the desire and preference lists the you developed with your partner(s), if you still are thinking of what other agreements to include, here are some further ideas: 

• What safer sex practices do you want to enforce? 

• What types of sex with others is acceptable? With who and under what circumstances? (ex. sex/gender, casual, party, BDSM, play with or without genitals, penetration, etc…)

• Are there specific sexual acts reserved for the primary partner?

• Do you need an intentional routine when transitioning into coming back together when the other is away? If so, what reunion ritual could be helpful? 

• When scheduling time with other people, consider how much time and days is needed for this relationship. What days and nights can be spent with other people?

• Will there be hierarchies? Primary, secondary partners?

• How much does each person want to know about their partner's other relationships? 

• Logistical considerations such as if a partner can bring people home? Can there be overnights?

• Do new relationships and partners have to be approved by the primary partner? Are there restrictions put onto new relationships such as time limits, time spent together, etc…

Finally, down below are some maintenance questions to consider throughout the relationship. It is important to check in with yourself and each other about how ENM is going and how you feel about the current agreements.

Picking specific check-in points can be helpful in order to be intentional about checking in.

• Is anyone hurting? Are there risks involved and how can we minimize them? How can you repair a possible rupture? 

• Any fears, doubts, struggles with the current agreements?

• How often are you experiencing negative feelings?

• Do you need any adjustments or renegotiation with the current agreements?

• How much fun is this?

• Why are you doing this and putting all this work in? What do you want to get out of this? (Refreshing your intentions and putting them back into perspective)

• What is easy about this relationship dynamic? What is hard?

• What is everyone learning from this? Is it helping someone grow?

• What feelings do you observe your partner feeling?

• Where are you finding happiness with your partner?

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING ADINA GUTIERREZ FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.