Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about symbiosexuality

Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about symbiosexuality. 

What is symbiosexuality?

“Symbiosexuality is an orientation that describes an attraction to a pre-existing partnership, couple, throuple, or quad, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, a queer sex therapist and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. For symbiosexuals, the dynamic, energy, interplay, and connection shared between partners is the primary source of attraction—rather than the specific individuals in the partnership or their unique traits, Kahn says. In other words, the sum is worth far more than its parts.

Symbiosexuality varies as much as a SimCity Creation or New York Fashion Week line-up because ‘exactly what someone finds hot in a pre-existing partnership and why they find it hot will change from symbiosexual person to symbiosexual person,’ says Kahn.”

Symbiosexuality isn’t the same as nonmonogamy

“But—and this is important—symbiosexuality is distinct from a preference for relationship structures involving three (or more) people. ‘Being symbiosexual doesn’t dictate the type of relationship design, type, or style, you choose to enter into,’ says Kahn. Yes, some people who are symbiosexual aspire to be in a three-person relationship, but others could also be fulfilled by a monogamous or monogamish relationship. More on this in a sec.”

“For starters, symbiosexuality isn’t always about love. Sometimes, it’s just about feeling a tug of attraction towards a couple and does not feature any hallmark signs of love (e.g., future planning and intentional intimacy), says Kahn.”

Learning more about symbiosexuality

“So, whether you want to learn more about symbiosexuality, specifically, or sexuality more generally, it’s time to dust off the ole library card. ‘Reading books about relationships, attraction, and desire can create more awareness of your attractions and help you develop a deeper understanding of yourself and your attraction,’ says Kahn.”

Exploring symbiosexuality IRL

“If you don’t already have an IRL community of sex-positive individuals—or want to expand beyond your current crew— Khan suggests connecting with other folks who are open to different types of attraction, connection, and relationships online.

Download polyamory-friendly dating apps, such as Feeld, #Open, and OkCupid, where ‘you are likely to encounter many couples looking for a third,’ Kahn says. Most are looking for a third just for sex, but some will be open to a throuple or triad. As such, ‘it’s important that you are clear about what you are looking for and interested in,’ they add.”

Read the full article here.

More from G&STC therapist Jesse Kahn on this topic:

Why might a couple be so hot to someone?

I think this is a really personal question, and something that will change from person to person. But generally speaking, a couple might be especially attractive to someone due how their co-created dynamic and energy express their chemistry, humor, confidence, support, love, care and/or the way they move through the world together. Their sexual tension, passion or emotional connectedness can feel magnetic to someone.

Tips for exploring symbiosexuality

Exploring symbiosexuality can look different for everyone, so it’s all about following what excites you and using that as a guide.

You can try exploring polyamory-friendly dating apps as you could meet people who have shared interests and openness to different types of attraction, connection and relationships. There are also many couples looking for a 3rd on non polyamory specific dating apps, but most often those couples are looking for a sexual partner only and not a relationship. Regardless of the app, it’s important that you are clear about what you are looking for and interested in.

You can read books on relationships, attraction, and desire to create more curiosity into your own attraction to develop deeper understanding of yourself and your attraction. Lastly, look inwards, get curious, and pay attention to what draws you in—whether it’s the way couples interact, relationship dynamics, or specific fantasies. The key is to stay curious, communicate openly, and follow what genuinely feels exciting and fulfilling.