Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about negging, and how to spot it
Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about negging, and how to spot it.
What negging actually is
“At face value, negging may seem innocent enough. But it’s actually a type of emotional manipulation that can land a blow on your self-esteem, explains Jesse Kahn, LCSW, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC.”
“At its most distilled, negging is verbal emotional abuse. It’s a type of manipulation that involves lowering a person’s self-esteem, explains Kahn. But it’s subtle.”
Backhanded compliments
“A backhanded compliment is not a compliment at all, but an insult in a mask, explains Khan. 'Back-handed compliments are things that are said with the same tone of a compliment, but actually put the receiver down,' they say.
'Things like "I would never have the courage to wear that," and "Wow, you're a lot smarter than I thought you would be’ are perfect examples,” says Kahn.”
Constant one-upping
“People who neg are spotlight-stealers, according to Kahn. They’re the type of people who always have a story that is more interesting or an accomplishment that's grander than whatever you just shared.”
How to talk about negging
“Okay, so how do you confront them? By being direct. 'You can let them know that how they're treating or speaking to you isn't okay and that you won't be communicating with them further if the negging continues,' says Kahn. Though, whether or not you call it negging is up to you.”
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Why people neg
“The idea is that by insulting or putting down or comparing the person you're "flirting" with negatively to someone else, you'll make them desperate to change your opinion of them and win your approval.”
Responding to negging
“Negging is an attempt to get an emotional reaction out of the person on the receiving end; if you feel embarrassed or offended you might try to prove to the person negging you that their negative opinion of you is incorrect. But really, they aren't interested in changing their opinion, because negging is just a strategy to feel more powerful and in control than the person they're interacting with. Instead of engaging, remember that negging is a reflection of them and not you. If you want to do more than ignore and move on, you can let them know that how they're treating or speaking to you isn't okay, and that you won't be communicating with them further. How much you engage is up to you.”