Check out G&STC Clinical Director Nicole Davis talking with Women’s Health about spectatoring during sex and what you can do about it
Check out G&STC Clinical Director Nicole Davis talking with Women’s Health about spectatoring during sex and what you can do about it.
Spectatoring + queer folks
“All of these “shoulds” and “should-nots” can cause you to start feeling anxiety or shame about your sexuality, preferences, or pleasure, which can lead to spectatoring during sex, says Nicole Davis, LCSW, clinical director at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York. This can also be particularly common among queer folks who are already battling internalized homophobia, transphobia, and gender dysphoria, she says.”
What contributes to spectatoring
“‘If someone is frequently engaged in spectatoring during sex, it's highly likely that they are disconnected from their body in other areas of their life as well,’ says Davis. That’s because spectatoring during sex isn’t just (or even primarily) about the sex you’re having—it’s mostly a result of all the societal messaging you’ve amassed over the years about sex and gender, she says.
Mindfulness can improve your sex life
“Rest assured, you don’t have to become a full-blown yogi or meditation guru to reap the sexual benefits of mindfulness. ‘If you spend a lot of time sitting at a computer, even trying to bring awareness to what your body feels like while sitting, how the chair feels on your back, and the sensation of your fingers on your chair can have a carry-over effect to sex,’ according to Davis.”
Change is possible
“If spectatoring has become your M.O., the distance between where you are and the kind of connected sex championed by rom-coms might feel miles wide. And while conquering that distance and landing back in the land of connection and climax is absolutely possible, Davis says it’s also important to remember that sex can be good, meaningful, and healthy even when it isn’t as connected as Grey’s Anatomy is to Private Practice.
‘Sex can also be fun and playful, daring and exciting, or anything else that someone enjoys—so long as all parties involved are consenting to the sex, there's no right or wrong way to do it,’ she says. Remember: It’s that thought system that has likely contributed to spectatoring in the first place!”
More from G&STC Clinical Director Nicole Davis on this topic:
What causes spectatoring?
Anxiety, stress, depression, shame, internalized homophobia or transphobia are just some of the things that can cause someone not to be fully present in the moment, during sex or otherwise. All of these things can cause someone to not be fully present in their body, and therefore not fully present during sex. If it feels important for someone to feel intimately connected to their partner(s) during sex, that can't happen if you aren't intimately connected with yourself.
Tips for reconnecting with your body
Whether due to trauma, bodily insecurities, shame about sex/sexuality/gender or something else, many of us walk through life not being fully connected to our corporeal selves. Trying to be present and connected during sex when you are not used to being so in the rest of your life can cause high anxiety and be a recipe for failure. I always suggested that clients start with something lower-stakes and easier to access.
For example, if you spend a lot of time sitting at a computer, try to bring awareness to what your body feels like while sitting and typing. Notice the sensation of your fingers on the keyboard. Pay attention to how your back feels leaning in the chair. Notice the temperature in the room, as well as any smells, sounds, etc.
It might sound crazy, but most of us spend so much of our days on autopilot, we have to remind ourselves that we have bodies! You can do this type of exercise at any time, and the better you can connect to your body outside of sex, the more likely you'll be able to do so during sex.