Is it Time to Explore Non-Monogamy?

What do you do when you have identified as a monogamous person your whole life and then that begins to come into question? 

In modern society, monogamy is socialized as the default relationship style. It is assumed as the most “natural” progression of sharing and expressing romantic love and sexual connection. When a child is born, it is assumed that they will eventually meet a nice person, get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. However, could happily ever after involve more than one love? Could it be with many loves? 

Have you heard of  ethical non-monogamy and are curious  to explore if it could be for you? Maybe you  met someone who talks about their own practice of it and you became intrigued. You may have stumbled upon mentions of it in the current media that resonate with you. Or maybe you met someone  polyamorous and you want to open up the possibility of romance or sex outside of monogamy. The idea of non-monogamy might seem  scary and confusing at first, because it’s contrary to everything we’re taught (both explicitly and socially) about love and relationships.  But it could also be an  exciting opportunity for you to get curious and explore more about yourself

With all of these conflicting feelings, questions are likely to begin to bubble up. Like how much of your life could change from this? Could you handle being with multiple people and your partner(s) doing the same? Could you still obtain the security and safety that you seek in monogamy? What do you do when the core foundation of how you see relationships and love begins to shake? 

Well, let’s begin with you are not alone. Many have been in your position and there are growing resources and communities where you can explore what this new information could mean for you. And remember, there is no timeline for you to figure this all out. Your journey can simply begin with questions that you ask yourself. 

The following are some guiding questions that you can use to assess your desires, fears, and interest in ethical non-monogamy. 

What specific feelings arise when you think about this? 

Excitement? Curiosity? Fear? If fear comes up? What are those fears specifically? It is completely natural to have multiple and even conflicting feelings that come up when faced with something that challenges your worldview. You may be interested in ethical non-monogamy, but still feel anxious or insecure about what it opens up for your relationships. It is okay to be overwhelmed! Just begin by trying to understand your fears. Ask yourself: what are you specifically afraid of happening? Where do these fears come from? How can you check the reality of these fears? 

Give yourself time to process this. Speaking to friends or members of the ENM community that are likely to understand what you are going through could be a helpful outlet to sort through these feelings. Also, speaking to a poly affirming therapist could provide extra support. 

What do you know about ethical non-monogamy, and how can you practice it?

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term used for the multiple ways of expressing love and sexual connection in an open and consensual way, including but not limited to an open relationship, polyamory, hierarchy polyamory, solo poly, relationship anarchy, and monogamish. (For more information on ethical non-monogamy and the different ways it is often practiced, refer to “What Relationship Format Is Right For Me?” )

The beauty of ethical non-monogamy is that it questions the black and white assumptions of what a relationship can be. Do you want to see multiple people in a relationship context or would having a primary partner with other sexual connections be more ideal for you? There are many ways to do ethical non-monogamy. What this could look like can be intentionally designed by you!

What are your expectations of polyamory and where are they coming from?

What do you initially know about polyamory and where did you get this information from? In the dominant culture, monogamy is often revered for its “guarantee” of emotional security and commitment, resulting in false perceptions about both monogamy and nonmonogamy. These perceptions lead to negative attitudes about ethical non-monogamy which could possibly be reflected in your surroundings. Could what you know about ENM be influenced by these attitudes? Have you had conversations with or listened to the perspectives of those who love in a different way from monogamy?

What are ways that you can benefit from trying this out?

There are many reasons why one may find happiness in exploring ethical non-monogamy. This relationship style could lead to self-exploration, fulfilling connections, an abundance of love, and so many other joys! Try making a list of what you could learn about yourself and what excites you about this idea. Consider this list with the fears that you have identified and make the best decision for you. Looking at both ends of that spectrum, what could this interest mean for you?

Many find valuable information in trying a new relationship format out for themselves and seeing what does or doesn’t feel good. However, whichever way you explore what you are looking for in love, I hope that you find happiness and peace! In the end, you may find that ethical non-monogamy is not for you and that is completely valid too. Intentional monogamy can be just as fulfilling and exciting. 

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING ADINA GUTIERREZ FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.