Bed Death and U-Hauling: How Stereotypes Limit Self Exploration
Stereotypes don’t always come from somewhere nefarious–sometimes they are rooted in an attempt to put language to a common experience.
Within queer communities these narratives can start as jokes or shorthand to name something real—like the intensity of early relationships, or the emotional challenges of sustaining long-term intimacy–in a way that is meant to connect members of a community to one another, rather than to isolate them.It is a way to share a wink with those who understand the accompanying complexity of your identity and experience–but for those who have yet to find themselves, figured out their identity, or explored their queer community, they can feel like rigid rules for entry, rather than a nod to one set of possible experiences.
Even well-meaning jokes shared between members of a marginalized community—”What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A U-Haul.”—can be weaponized against them, as another way of othering, isolating, and stigmatizing. Take the U-Haul joke for example–while from one lesbian to another it sounds more like “isn’t it funny many of us have this shared experience?”, from the outside it can sound more like mockery, something meant to make queer women question how well they know their own feelings or how much they can trust their decision making in intimate relationships.
When navigating identity, especially in the face of social stigma, self-exploration requires compassion, flexibility, and safety. Stereotypes interfere with that process by narrowing our view of acceptable ways to exist within certain labels.
Instead of asking “What makes me feel grounded in my body? What makes me feel safe within relationships? When do I feel guarded, unable to be vulnerable, and what makes me feel safe to express my own vulnerability? How do I figure out what feels good for me?,” many queer women find themselves asking, “Am I doing this right? Do queer women do this?” Rather than finding out what being queer means to them, they’re stuck wondering if they’re “queer enough,” if their desires are normal, or if their emotional needs are reasonable. This hyper vigilant self-monitoring can delay or derail authentic self-discovery.
There can also be a lot of shame that comes with the presence of these stereotypes–whether or not you fit them. If you do relate to them, are you a joke? Why is everyone laughing at your experiences? If you don’t relate to them, do you really belong? Why didn’t you have this quintessential experience everyone else seems to have had? This can show up in avoidance of relationships, difficulty with intimacy, or even a reluctance to claim a queer identity at all.
Bed death and U-Hauling: What they are and where they came from
Lesbian Bed Death
What is it? Lesbian Bed Death refers to the idea that as a relationship between queer women progresses, the frequency with which they have sex steadily decreases until it stops altogether.
Where did it come from? A 1983 study that showed lesbian women in long term relationships reported having sex less frequently than their heterosexual counterparts. The nuance—that frequency doesn’t equal satisfaction—was not explored, as the study didn’t measure reported sexual satisfaction or quality of sex.
Instead, it was used as another way to stigmatize and shame lesbians and queer women, ignoring the fact that additional studies have shown queer women in relationships with women report more sexual satisfaction than their heterosexual counterparts. Unfortunately, this myth implants shame in queer women who experience low sexual desire–or those who do experience the very normal decline in frequency of sex that happens when two lives become more seriously intertwined.
U-Hauling
Unlike bed death, the U-Haul joke did originate as an in-group joke. In 1988 lesbian comedian Lea Delaria wrote the joke “What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A U-Haul.” While the joke has now taken on a life of its own (u-hauling has become a common term within queer communities), it was initially an in-joke about how queer women are able to be more vulnerable with each other than straight women can with men, leading to relationships that seem to progress much quicker.
While it started as an in-joke, now mentioning u-hauling or making jokes about how “quickly” lesbians progress within their relationships is often a way to belittle them, to assign emotional immaturity or codependency to what may in fact be a very serious and healthy relationship. It can make queer women second guess their relationship decision making or trust their own emotional intuition.
Navigating the internal impact of stereotypes:
Get curious, not critical: When you find yourself thinking, What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this/be this the right way? Am I all alone?, pause and ask yourself: Where did this belief come from? Who benefits from me thinking this way? Curiosity opens space for self-compassion and honesty.
Seek Out Representation and Community: Look beyond mainstream media. Read queer-authored books, listen to queer podcasts, and follow creators whose stories resonate with your lived experience.Seeing others like you helps dissolve the belief that you’re alone or “doing it wrong.” More importantly, seek out queer communities offline. Go to a local queer owned store, look for queer run clubs and groups. Meeting a variety of queer folks right in your area will help show you how varied queer experience can be, and remind you that there is not one correct way to be queer.
Work With a Queer-Affirming Therapist: A therapist who understands the intricacies of queer identity, internalized shame, and community dynamics can help you process harmful messages, heal from invalidation, and move toward deeper self-acceptance.
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