Ask a Queer Therapist: Queer Platonic Partnership
“I have been in some kind of relationship with someone I’ve known for 7 years. I call it a “queer platonic relationship,” but we have never specifically named what we are to each other. Most people refer to us as “best friends” but recently they have been referring to me as their “platonic life partner” to other people. But here’s the thing…we kiss and make out pretty regularly. So my question is, can you make out with someone who you’re in a platonic partnership with? And do you find that many lesbians have one-sided queer platonic partnerships?”
Dear Queer Platonic,
Reading your letter made me realize that I’ve never actually looked up the definition of the word “platonic.” Like most people, I use the word to mean non-sexual relationships. But guess what? As with most things in life, it turns out that it’s more complicated than that!
A lot of people have written in great detail about the origin of the term “Platonic Love.” If you like Ancient Greek history, you might be interested to read some of it. But if you’re not into studying the Ancient Greeks, the gist of it is that the term Platonic Love really refers to close, intimate relationships that involve a lot of closeness and affection, but aren’t “sexual in nature.” Now, this opens up a whole other can of worms as to how we define sex, so we’ll just leave that part alone for now. But as this relates to your question, “Can you make out with someone you’re in a platonic relationship with?” the answer is, sure! Does that mean the relationship isn’t really platonic? Not necessarily.
I noticed one big thing that is missing from your letter…how do you feel about all of this?! It seems like you have been navigating a lot of confusing dynamics in this relationship from the start, but it’s hard to tell from your letter if the confusion is bothering you or just…confusing you.
So I’m going to do something I don’t usually do, and I’m going to assume that at the very least, you would like the nature of this relationship to be a little clearer. If that’s true, that’s totally understandable. Most of us want to know where we stand in our relationships with people, platonic and romantic. And from what you’re describing, it sounds like maybe your relationship is both platonic and romantic, and I can certainly understand why that’s confusing!
I would suggest keeping in mind a couple of things. First, no one gets to define a relationship except the people who are in it. If people outside your relationship see you two as “best friends,” but you two see yourself as partners, then you’re partners. And it does sound like you both agree that you are, in fact, partners. But it’s that pesky word “platonic” that’s getting in the way.
If I was your therapist, I would probably ask you this: without worrying about how you define the relationship, how do you feel about the relationship? Does it satisfy your needs? And if yes or no, what are those needs, and which ones are being fulfilled and which aren’t?
Then we can move on to the problem of how you define the relationship. So I’d ask you this: If it was only up to you, how would you define the relationship? And how does your partner define it? What are the ways those definitions are similar and different, and how do those things impact how you feel in the relationship?
Since this is not an actual therapy session, I will leave it at that, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to get at with these questions. You asked me if I find that “many lesbians have one-sided queer platonic relationships?” but I would encourage you to ask yourself a different question: Does this relationship give me what I want and what I need? If the answer is yes, then you’re golden. If it's not, then I will gently remind you that you deserve better.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist