Ask a Queer Therapist: Stepping into Who You Are
“I was born female and I have always felt like I was a boy. I know this sounds crazy but I can remember a time when I was like five years old that I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a little boy looking back at me smiling, and then I look back again and he was gone and it was just girl-me again. I’ve known all along that that was me I was looking at, but it took me a while to admit it.
I have wanted to start testosterone therapy so I could feel closer to my actual self for a long time now. I feel like I have never been right but my parents are traditional and made me feel like I was just crazy. There aren’t many people I actually like in this world but the ones that I do, I feel would not accept me if I did, or would think differently of me. I’ve been self-medicating with drugs and alcohol for a long time because I hate looking back at the female me in the mirror and knowing that this is who I am, and it dulls this feeling. I know I need to either pursue this answer or a spiritual one (to switch back with the girl who was supposed to be me) but I am very conflicted and depressed because of it. I also have no insurance and a huge distrust in doctors and the system and I don’t know where to turn but I know I need help.”
Dear In Need of Help,
I chose this letter to respond to because so many folks in the queer and trans community need to hear this right now, and I want to be able to say it: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I hope you read this response and even if nothing else resonates with you, please know that this is true.
There’s so much to unpack in your letter. For one thing, I want to commend you for being brave enough to write what you did. I know it’s anonymous, but you have clearly been carrying a huge burden inside of you for most of your life, and from what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like you have anyone you’re able to share this with. So I hope that writing it down and putting it out in the world has lifted even the smallest part of that burden off your shoulders.
The next thing I hope you can hear is this: absolutely nothing that you wrote sounds crazy, and I’m so sorry that the people who were supposed to protect you made you feel like you are. I hope that some day soon you are able to talk with (other) queer, trans and gender non-confirming folks because you will be able to hear just how many people have stories very much like yours. And believe it or not, age 5 is very often the age at which children begin to understand their gender or sexuality.
I don’t know if you’re queer or straight, cisgender or transgender, a “boy” or a “girl” or both or neither, and you might not know either. And that’s ok! But you seem to understand that your drug and alcohol use has been a coping mechanism for not being able to express that the person you really are is not the person that people in your life have always assumed you to be. That is incredibly painful, isolating and lonely. So many folks with stories like yours have developed a huge distrust of doctors, therapists, and other folks in “the system,” because quite often, those folks have caused harm more than they’ve helped. It makes me so angry that that has happened to you.
Leaning into spirituality can be a wonderful source of support for many people, but I don’t know anyone who has taken a spiritual path toward healing that has helped them “switch back” their gender identity. Sure, there are the incredibly immoral and unethical “conversion therapies” that often masquerade as “spiritual” programs but please make no mistake - absolutely every single one of those programs is dangerous, harmful, and should be illegal. If you do pursue a spiritual path, please do not let it be one of those.
I think what I hear you asking for is some way out of this horrible feeling you’ve had to endure - the one that makes you feel alone; that makes you feel like your very existence is wrong; the one that makes you feel “crazy;” the one that makes you doubt everything about yourself and your reality. I want a way out of that feeling for you as well. While I can’t draw a map that will lead you there, I can say that by writing this letter you have already taken the first step. The rest of that path includes learning to trust yourself - that you know who you are and that you have a right to be fully and truly that person.
You must find a way to continue to talk about these feelings, with a professional who can validate your truth, and then help you navigate a path forward. I know you mentioned not having insurance. You might be eligible for medicaid, or there are some places that offer sliding scales, or there are free hotlines that have trained volunteers you can talk to. You are more than welcome to reach out to us at G&STC, but you can also try The Callen-Lorde Community Health Center, The Trevor Project, Trans Lifeline, the LGBT National Help Center, the National Crisis Textline, and if you’re in NYC and between 13 - 24 you can try the Hetrick-Martin Institute. If nothing else, please know that you are incredibly brave for asking for help, and I hope you will continue to do so. You do not have to do this alone.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist