Ask a Queer Therapist: Coming out in your 40s
“I’m in my mid 40s, and I just came out, and I feel like an imposter for coming out so late. What should I do?”
Dear Imposter,
First, congratulate yourself! You’ve done something really hard and really brave and I hope people in your life have responded with love and acceptance. The great thing about coming out is that there’s no statute of limitations on when we’re allowed to do it and it sounds like rather than being “late” in coming out, it took you some time to feel ready, or maybe even time to really understand your own sexuality.
This last part is key, and not at all unusual.
If you’re in your mid 40’s, then I’m guessing you were born in the late 70’s or early 80’s, meaning you grew up in a world where people were not affirmed, validated or accepted for being queer (and sadly, many are still not). There weren’t queer characters on TV, Pride wasn’t a mainstream, corporate sponsored phenomenon, queer sex and sexuality weren’t talked about in health classes, or podcasts, or magazine articles. I’m guessing you weren’t encouraged to explore your own sexuality as a teen or young adult, and if you’ve been in hetero relationships before, I assume you got lots of validation from people in your life for choosing partners of the “opposite sex.”
But honestly, even if none of this was true and you grew up in a queer-affirming utopia with rainbow flags and stickers adorning the walls, Drag Queen Story Hour at your preschool, gay aunts and uncles at every birthday party, and even queer parents, none of that means that you had the tools to come out before you did.
Why? I’m not sure, but if it’s bothering you it sounds like a great question to explore with a therapist. We have some great ones at G&STC!
So to answer your question, “What should I do?” I’m afraid I don’t have a very interesting answer:
Do exactly what I’m sure you’re already doing! Live your life proudly, fully and unapologetically. You have WAY more of your adult life ahead of you than behind you and if you focus on that part, you’re not late at all. If you find that your current social circle isn’t very queer-affirming or doesn’t have as many queer folks as you’d like it to have, find activities that you enjoy that cater to the LGBTQ+ community. There are all kinds of queer-specific sports leagues, hiking groups, social hours, travel companies, etc. Depending on where you live you might need to do a little work to seek them out, but they’re there! And remember, you get to share whatever you do or don’t want to with whomever you meet. You don’t have to lie and pretend you came out on your 16th birthday, but it’s also totally fine to get to know new people for awhile before you share your queer-origin story. And when you do, don’t be surprised when you meet other people in their mid-40’s (or older!) who came out at the same time you did. There are lots of them out there (my own parents, included!)
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist