8 Myths About Queer Sex Debunked In LGBTQ Affirming Therapy

Taking time to unpack, explore and debunk common  myths about queer sex is a crucial part of a positive and LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist's job. This challenge is amplified by the current legal barriers, particularly in sex education. Unfortunately, the current state of sex education is inadequate across the board–particularly so for resources and information regarding queer sex and relationships.  If a model exists, it is often outdated and only focuses on cishet couples for biological reproduction, without exploring pleasure, consent, and often intentionally neglecting kink and kink safety. 

While it may seem that society is getting better, based on queer celebrities or influencers, the recent trend in the United States of legislation limiting discussions of gender and sexual orientation in schools–known as "Don't Say Gay'' laws (as exists in Florida) are signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis–pose a heartbreaking and dangerous barrier to inclusive sex ed. 

Many queer people still struggle to be accepted by their families. While ninety-two percent of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender folks report feeling more accepted now than they did a decade ago and older members of the queer community may feel that young queer folks today have it easy with access to online communities, but the reality is not so clear and easy. The internet also poses plenty of false information about queer sex and harmful stereotypes about queer people; take "gay" porn made and performed by straight performers for straight consumption, rather than queer pleasure. 

Despite the progress, over half of our community – 53% – still report discrimination. The same survey also reveals that nearly 40% of LGBTIA+ American adults have faced rejection by their birth family (which is perhaps why queer people are so awesome at creating chosen families).

In addition to community, therapy, particularly (or rather, crucially) when it is sex-positive and queer-affirmative, offers a vital resource where educational systems fall short. Therapists in these fields provide safe spaces for individuals to explore and understand their sexual identities and lived experiences. 

Here are eight common myths about queer sex your therapist can help you debunk:

Queer Sex Isn't “Real” Sex:

This myth invalidates the diverse sexual experiences within the LGBTQIA+ community, promoting a narrow, heteronormative view of sex. Based on this view, sex is defined as penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, which discounts the endless and creative ways queer people get it on. And if you're having a hard time finding your footing in sex or need validation of your please, know that therapy helps individuals unlearn these restrictive definitions and embrace a broader, more inclusive understanding of sex, affirming that queer sex, in all its forms, is equally valid and significant.

All Gay Men Have Lots Of Sex Without Condoms:

This stereotype oversimplifies behaviors. Some gay people may elect, just as straight people do, to forgo condoms, or enjoy casual sex, especially in a post-PrEP world, but applying a unilateral experience to any orientation, especially one stigmatized, is super problematic. Straight people have sex without condoms all the time. Many people increasingly believe that individuals should be allowed to decide for themselves, with consent from their partner(s) their level of risk. Believing that someone’s sexual behavior is inherently risky due to their sexuality–even accidentally–only works to reinforce homophobia queer people must already unlearn themselves. 

Queer Relationships Are Always Non-Monogamous:

Sure, some queer people are in open relationships. So are plenty of straight people. This stereotype is another generalization–queer people may be more familiar with various relationship formats because they have already had to go on an unlearning journey with regards to their own sexual or gender identity, but that supposed familiarity doesn’t translate to all queer people engaging in ENM relationship structures. If you're queer and not sure what relationship format is best for you, know that therapy can assist individuals and couples in understanding that relationship structures, whether monogamous or non-monogamous, are varied and equally valid within the queer world, just as in heterosexual communities.

Every Queer Person Is A Top Or Bottom:

While tops (typically the more sexually dominant, penetrative partner) and bottoms (often the more sexually submissive, receptive partner) exist, so do "switches" or "vers," aka people who enjoy both roles. Nothing is binary, and it's okay if you don't neatly fit into the top or bottom box (no pun-intended). This stereotype is rooted in a cisgender, heterosexual need to assign familiar roles to queer relationships. The idea that there is one “top” and one “bottom” is a shallow understanding of how sex works within all relationships–many people inhabit many roles, and queer sex and relationships are the same! The top/bottom roles allow for cishet people to assign a stereotypical male/female role to the people within queer relationships.

Lesbians Don't Get STIs:

This misconception overlooks two big things: the reality of STI transmission risks in skin-to-skin contact, and the existence of trans or nonbinary lesbians/ and bisexuals (and cis lesbians/bisexuals in relationships with them). 

While it's true that non-penetrative vaginal sex does come with a lower HIV risk than penetrative, especially anal sex, without barriers, lesbian couples can contract herpes, bacterial vaginosis (BV), trichomonas (trich), chlamydia, and gonorrhea. While none of these are life-threatening today, (no, not even HIV) and don't deserve any stigma, in fact, STI risks are not exclusive to people with penises. If people with vaginas want to use a barrier for non-penetrative sex, dental dams (which you can also make by cutting a condom into a square) exist for a reason.

Only Gay Men Have HIV:

The Reagan administration called and want their homophobia back. This outdated and stigmatizing myth contributes to misinformation and prejudice about HIV/AIDS. Therapists educate about HIV transmission and prevention, emphasizing that HIV can affect anyone. But HIV is no longer the life threatening medical diagnosis it once was. Thanks to both HIV treatments and life-changing preventative meds like PrEP, HIV-positive people can live normal, happy lives without the worry of transmission, and HIV-negative people can enjoy sex with HIV-positive partners without the fear of the virus. 

Bisexuality Is A Phase:

No, bisexual people are not confused, greedy, or just going through a phase (although it is okay to identify as bi and then later change how you identify, and it's more than okay to explore) In therapy, bisexual individuals find support in affirming their identity. This myth about bi folks undermines the legitimacy of bisexuality, which is a cruel thing to do to anyone, but this myth seems to be especially pervasive as it pertains to bisexuality. Generally speaking, quite often, bi men are assumed to be “actually” gay, and bi women tend to be perceived as “actually” straight. 

Trans People Are Sex Objects

The flip side to the myth that trans or non-binary people aren’t sexual is that they are sexual objects meant purely for pleasure. Most queer people tend to be subject to this myth, but especially in media portrayals, it often tends to hit trans people, particularly trans women, the hardest. Trans people are just people who deserve to be loved and respected for their entire selves. 

Inclusive sex education is crucial and extends beyond classroom settings – especially as lawmakers work to dismantle the decades-long work of LGBTQIA+ activists. Both educators and therapists play roles in combating restrictive laws and policies, providing resources and training, and creating safe spaces for LGBTQ+ individuals. Of course, addressing the complexities of queer sexuality requires a multifaceted approach that includes education, advocacy, and therapy. By debunking such myths we aim to create a society where each individual's sexual identity and experiences are respected and celebrated. 

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.