6 Questions that Come Up When Dating Someone Trans

Feeling attracted to a transgender person is a natural and common part of sexuality no matter your identity. But due to widespread transphobia catching waves across our culture, there are a lot of destructive myths about being trans and some big questions about being in a relationship with someone who is transgender. This cultural transphobia exists within us all–even people attracted to or in relationship with trans people. It’s yet another symptom of white supremacist culture shaping our internal biases, which is why it’s important to consider those biases before entering into relationships with vulnerable people.  And remember, an LGBTQIA+ friendly sex therapist is a great tool to help you explore and unpack your attraction and what your sexuality means for you. 

Maybe you’re unsure what being attracted to someone trans means for you and your identity. Maybe you’ve already done the work to unpack that and just want to make sure you do your due diligence to avoid unnecessary harm to your trans partner. 

View this guide as your starting point for educating yourself about what it means to be trans–and to be a supportive partner to someone trans. To go deeper, we recommend seeking out diverse perspectives, from resources like your local LGBTQ+ center or transgender organizations, and LGBTQ affirming therpists and mental health resource centers. 

Just like cisgender people, transgender people are a diverse catalog of identities, not one simple archetype.  Each person has their own distinct experiences that inform their perspectives on gender and sexuality–meaning what being trans means to one person will differ from how another person experiences being trans, because so much more than gender informs those experiences. These experiences are intricate and highly personal, and can only be known through true intimacy and genuinely getting to know someone. 

Here are some common questions we encounter from cisgender people:

What does trans mean?

Trans (short for transgender) refers to individuals whose gender identity does not align with the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. Trans is an umbrella term that encompasses many gender expressions, including trans men (men, assigned female at birth), trans women (women, assigned male at birth),as well as those under the non-binary  genderqueer umbrella, which can include identities such as: agender, bigender, genderfluid, ambi-gender, and pangender,–though identities and language are ever evolving, so there may be a new term that fits your partner more by the time you refer back to this. Be sure to learn more not just about what being trans means, but what being trans means to your partner. 

Indigenous folks who are Two-Spirit fall under the transgender umbrella as well. Two-Spirit is a sacred and historical identity used by First Nations communities to recognize the presence of both male and female energies within themselves.  It describes a distinct, separate gender identity (not a queer umbrella term, as it is often misappropriated). A more thorough history of the term Two-Spirit can be found here. 

Intersex people can also fall under the trans umbrella, however not all intersex folks consider themselves transgender. Being intersex is about biology & anatomy, not gender. You can learn more about what it means to be intersex here, or watch this Smarter In Seconds video by Blair Imani Ali. 

There are no rules for how trans people express their gender–part of the core purpose of gender expression is that it’s personal to each of us, and that’s true for trans folks just as much as cis folks. Some trans people choose to present in ways that are more commonly and clearly read as masculine or feminine, while  others present in ways meant to confront or confuse the binary rules of “traditional” gender. Some people don’t think much about how they'll be read by others and focus on being comfortable in their body and gender presentation.  

Additionally, while some trans individuals may decide against hormone treatments or surgical interventions, others may consider these medical interventions essential gender-affirming care necessary for their well-being. No matter the route a trans person goes, it’s an incredibly personal decision and it’s up to them if they want to share it with you. (Remember, cis people get gender-affirming surgeries too!) Medical interventions or not, every person gets to decide what their gender means for them.

Keep in mind that language is constantly evolving, so part of your responsibility should include staying abreast with changing terminology and communicating with your partner about what words make them feel most at home.

What’s the difference between sex and gender?

A lot of uncomfortable feelings come up for cisgender people when starting to make space for trans people in their lives and language. Part of the reason for this is because we’re taught–basically from birth–that our biological sex determines our gender. Seeing trans people liberated from that binary can bring feelings like confusion, fear, and defensiveness bubbling up to the surface for cis people who are realizing they weren’t taught the whole truth. If this is what you’re feeling, don’t push it aside. Sit with it for a moment and ask yourself what these feelings are telling you. 

While we’re taught that sex determines gender, sex is biological and gender is social and cultural. Sex can certainly inform gender (for example, people who are biologically female may express gender via socialized femininity), but sex in and of itself doesn’t determine what your gender is. Gender is much more complex than simply aligning behavior with anatomy, though biological sex is also not binary (go back up to the resources on being intersex for more on this)! Here’s another Smarter In Seconds video to give a quick breakdown about gender and how it differs from sex.  

When is it OK to discuss genitalia?

When are you comfortable with people asking about your genitalia? Expecting trans people to be okay with discussing their private body parts just because cis people aren’t familiar with the fluid relationship between sex and gender is a unique way in which the privacy of trans people is invaded casually and regularly. If you’re attracted to someone trans, before asking them about their genitals, ask yourself where the need to know is coming from within you? Will your attraction change depending on their genitalia? Is that a discomfort you’re willing to work through on your own, before asking a trans partner to do that work for you? Just like you would with a cis partner, trust that they will let you know what you need to know about their body, when they feel safe to do so. 

Can I ask about surgery?

This is another time to pause and self reflect. What’s the root of the curiosity? How would knowing if someone had or not had surgery influence the way you see and understand their gender? Why is that something you feel is important to know in order to understand someone’s trans experience?

Curiosity alone does not justify probing into someone's surgical background. If you're interested in learning about the various types of surgeries, there are numerous resources, including descriptions and videos available online, that can provide you with that information without compromising someone's privacy or expecting a single trans person to speak to the global trans experience. Your trans partner will share their thoughts and experience on this topic on their own time, if they want, when they are ready.

What do I call their genitals?

​​There’s no one “safe” word to refer to someone’s genitilia without risk of causing harm. Everyone’s experience with and relationship to their body, their gender, and their genitals is personal, and in order to know, you have to ask. Just like you wouldn’t want someone to refer to your genitals by a term they hadn’t checked with you, trans people deserve that same thoughtfulness. Ask your partner what words feel affirming and which make them feel dysphoric, out of body, or just kind of gross. And let them know your preferences as well! 

What else should I know?

A lot! While we’d love to say, “Just treat them like a cis person,” the reality is not quite so simple as that–so instead we’ll say treat your trans partner with the same thoughtfulness you’d treat a cisgender partner. The ways in which that thoughtfulness manifests will need to be adjusted to account for their experience as a trans person in a cissexist world. . Queer affirming therapy  practices and LGBTQ+ community organizations can provide you with further resources for learning about queer and trans history, politics, and experience as well as provide you and your partner with community support systems. And remember to stay curious about your partner and their experience–learning about trans history isn’t the same as learning about your partner's lived experience. Both are important! 

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