5 Tips for Working Through Internalized Homophobia
What is internalized homophobia?
Each of us has internal biases. These things aren’t intrinsic to who we are, but since we all grow up being influenced by the people around us, the culture we’re raised in and the values of both of those groups (which are in turn influenced by one another) we learn to adopt those same values and priorities as the larger society around us–until we go through the long process of unlearning and relearning while exploring and developing our own values.
And in America, and in most Western society, we unfortunately still live in a culture that designates the norm as white, cisgendered, and heterosexual–and any of us who fall outside of that are designated as other or outsider. Even when you exist as one of those identities outside of the norm, growing up in a culture steeped in messaging that tells you that your identity is wrong leads naturally to a sense of self shame–which for queer folks often manifests as internalized homophobia.
Take this quote from Hannah Gadsby’s 2018 special Nanette:
“From the years 1989 to 1997, right? This is ten years. Effectively my adolescence. Tasmania was at the center of a very toxic national debate about homosexuality and whether or not it should be legalized. And I’m from the northwest coast of Tasmania, the Bible Belt. Seventy percent of the people… I lived amongst… believe that homosexuality should be… a criminal act. Seventy percent of the people who raised me, who loved me, who I trusted, believed that homosexuality was a sin, that homosexuals were heinous, sub-human pedophiles. Seventy percent.
By the time I identified as being gay, it was too late. I was already homophobic, and you do not get to just flick a switch on that. No, what you do is you internalize that homophobia and you learn to hate yourself. Hate yourself to the core…When you soak a child in shame, they cannot develop the neurological pathways that carry thought… you know, carry thoughts of self-worth. They can’t do that. Self-hatred is only ever a seed planted from outside in. But when you do that to a child, it becomes a weed so thick, and it grows so fast, the child doesn’t know any different
…When I came out of the closet I didn’t have any jokes. The only thing I knew how to do was to be invisible and hate myself. It took me another ten years to understand I was allowed to take up space in the world. ”
This anecdote shows precisely the damage of internalized homophobia: stemming from a larger cultural intolerance, it becomes a means of survival that by nature causes one to turn to extreme self intolerance in order to guarantee safety, love, and value.
How does internalized homophobia differ from externalized homophobia?
Internalized homophobia is the result of externalized homophobia. Just as Gadsby says in the quote above, that hatred is a seed that is only ever planted from the outside.
While external homophobia is the cultural expression of intolerance for anyone who deviates from the accepted norm, internalized homophobia is the survival mechanism depended on by those outside of the norm for acceptance of their larger community.
What is the impact of internalized homophobia?
There are many ways internalized homophobia can negatively impact your life. The most obvious, of course, is that it keeps you in a mindset of always thinking there is something wrong with you, no matter how hard you try to “fix” it. This cycle of shame and self criticism impacts your self esteem, your self worth, and can impact how you’re able to connect with others and show up in relationships. Struggling with the shame that comes with internalized homophobia can keep one caught in damaging patterns like:
Engaging in riskier sexual practices, taking fewer safety precautions, contracting STIs and taking that as a sign that one's sexuality is the problem after all
Self isolating/avoiding emotional intimacy in relationships
Numbing out through substance use
Feeling stuck in emotionally abusive relationships that reinforce the sense of low self worth
5 tips for overcoming internalized homophobia:
Start with curiosity
The only way to understand something is to get curious about it. Start to explore the instances of internalized homophobia you experience, while trying to have compassion for yourself as you unravel where it’s coming from and why it’s coming up for you. When that experience comes up, what are you feeling? Is it mostly shame? Mainly fear? Try to explore the motivations and impulses behind the ways in which internalized homophobia could be manifesting in your life.
Build Community/bring more queerness into your spaces
This can seem like a big, scary step if you’ve avoided exploring your queer identity out of a sense of shame, so remember you’re allowed to start small. Is there a local bookstore that stocks a lot of books by queer authors and on queer experiences? Stop into the shop and buy onebook that looks interesting or helpful. Take a minute to look around and see if there are any flyers advertising queer community events. Follow the shop on social media and see who comes up as suggested. Check MeetUp or your local sub reddit to see if any local groups are queer specific, and see if they have a social media presence you can keep up with. Try to challenge yourself to go to one in person event that sounds interesting to you–but remember that’s a big step and you can take as long as you need to work up to it.
Building a local community can help you reaffirm your own identity and experience, but also give you access to life affirming resources you might not have come across otherwise.
Learn about queer and trans history:
What do you know about the history of queer people and communities? Is there queer history in your own local area you can learn about? Do you know how the fight for queer rights has tied into many other social justice movements? What are the experiences that queer people before you had to overcome? How have queer and trans people defined and explored their identity before you? Taking time to learn some history within queer spaces can be affirming in its own way–there are people who have been experiencing the world like you for a long, long time, and this realization can help make you feel less alone.
Start to unlearning within your immediate environment:
When do assumptions about gender, sexuality or identity come up within you or within those around you? What gendered/heteronormative language do you encounter regularly that you didn’t used to think about? Can you start to notice the ways that being (or appearing) white, cisgender, and heterosexual are beneficial in the culture you live in? In what ways are you noticing that those outside of that norm have to work harder, face bigger challenges, even possibly risk their safety for the same types of lives those within the norm live? How have you been unintentionally reinforcing some of these normative assumptions? How can you start unlearning and shifting your own internal narrative?
Find an LGBTQ competent therapist
Having the safety to express and explore your true identity is a crucial step in unlearning internalized homophobia. A queer competent and affirming therapist is a great resource for this. For more on how to find an LGBTQ competent therapist, you can refer to:
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