G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talks with Gabrielle Kassel at Shape About What It Means to Be Aromantic
CHECK OUT G&STC’S DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN TALK WITH GABRIELLE KASSEL AT SHAPE ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AROMANTIC & HOW IT DIFFERS FROM ASEXUALITY.
Someone who is aromantic is someone who identifies as having very little or no interest, desire, or experience of romantic attraction to other people, explains Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC.
Aromanticism exists on a spectrum, meaning people who are aromantic can all have different experiences of being aromantic, explains Kahn. (Being on the aromantic spectrum is sometimes referred to as being "arospec.")
Though they might feel similar, they're different, and acknowledging that is important. Dissolving these two separate kinds of attraction into one another ignores the fact that can someone can feel romantic attraction to a different set of genders than those they feel sexual attraction to, says Kahn. Bluntly, it's a massive dumbing down of the human experience.
Simply put, aromantic is a romantic orientation and asexual is a sexual orientation, explains Kahn. Someone who identifies as aromantic is naming that they experience no or little romantic attraction, while someone who identifies as asexual is naming that they experience no or little sexual attraction. (Related: LGBTQ Glossary of Gender and Sexuality Definitions Allies Should Know)
To be clear, someone who is aromantic can have any sexual orientation. "Someone can be aromantic and feel sexual attraction to any variety of genders or a specific gender," says Kahn. "Someone can be aromantic and straight, or aromantic and queer, or aromantic and gay, and so on." And the inverse is also true: Someone can be asexual and still have the potential for romantic attraction to any gender(s).
"It can be helpful to reflect on your experience with romantic relationships," says Kahn. For example, do you have a history of romantic relationships? If yes, can you pinpoint why you entered romantic relationships when you did? Was it because of a deep desire to connect romantically with someone, or because you felt pressure to do so? If no, why not? Is it because you have no interest in a romantic partnership? Or is it simply circumstantial, a result of not having met someone worthy of your romantic care? (Consider journaling about these questions to help gain clarity.)
MORE FROM G&STC DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN ON THIS TOPIC:
Aromantic people have varying degrees (oftentimes little or no) interest, desire or experience of romantic attraction to other people. They may or may not feel sexual attraction and each person experiences aromanticism differently. Aromanticism is on a spectrum and there are a variety of words that describe different experiences of being aromantic.
Since someones desire to be sexual and romantic attraction are different, someone can be aromantic and feel sexual attraction to a variety of genders or specific genders. So someone can be aromantic and straight, aromantic and queer, and so on!
Aromantic is about experiencing romantic attraction, while asexuality is about sexual attraction. They’re similar in the sense that different people who use these labels may have similar experiences, but there is no one way to be aromantic or asexual.
Being in a relationship as an aromantic person or people in a relationship with an aromantic person can look a lot of different ways, and depends on what the person wants. Like any other relationship, this could include living together, sharing finances, doing a variety of activities together, getting married, having children. They can be monogamous, they can be polyamorous, and ultimately the design of all of our relationships is up to the people in the relationship.