G&STC Director Jesse Kahn Talks With CNN Health About Why Some People Choose Not to Share their Gender
CHECK OUT G&STC’S DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN TALKING WITH ALLISON HOPE AT CNN HEALTH ABOUT WHY SOME PEOPLE PREFER NOT TO SHARE THEIR GENDER.
BE SENSITIVE TO HOW OTHERS MAY BE FEELING
There are many reasons why someone might not be comfortable sharing pronouns.
Someone might feel like there are no pronouns that are a good fit, for instance, or that the assumptions that are made about their pronouns are not accurate for them, according to Jesse Kahn, a psychotherapist, sex therapist and director at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. Additionally, some people may feel "a lack of safety; that sharing their pronouns will out them in a way they don't want," Kahn said.
"Additionally, there's often a cultural pressure to pick one set of pronouns and stick with that, and that fixed approach to pronouns doesn't fit or work for everyone."
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP?
"It's one thing to use someone's pronouns correctly, and it's another to see someone as who they are and wish to be seen," Kahn said. "It can be helpful to think about the assumptions and ideals that you've internalized as to not project those assumptions and ideals on to others, both internally and externally."
That means not asking people for their "real" name or "preferred" pronouns, both of which strip others of their agency and presume that somehow who they are is not legitimate.
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS NOT INCLUDED IN THE ARTICLE:
Assumptions about gender, including gender identity, expression and gendered norms, can be harmful and limiting. Many assumptions tends to rely on cis and hetero normative narratives and ideals, which can result in pressure to fit into those assumptions and push down someone’s authentic self.
HOW CAN WE APPROACH COMING TO TERMS WITH OUR OWN GENDER?
Seeking both peer and therapeutic support can be two really helpful steps to actualizing and coming into your gender in both identity and expression. Peer support is important for a variety of reasons, including being able to connect with others who are going through or have been through what you’re experiencing. Therapeutic support can give you a dedicated space for you to explore, name and unlearn the narratives, legacies and assumptions that you’ve internalized that are obstacles in addressing shame and actualizing your gender in a way that feels authentic.
WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO?
I would encourage everyone who feels comfortable to share their pronouns when they make introductions, particularly cisgender people. There’s a variety of reasons why trans and gender expansive individuals won’t want to share their pronouns in their introduction, and when cisgender people share their pronouns it can normalize talking and asking about pronouns, reduces the pressure on trans and gender expansion people to create space for those conversations, and creates space for gender expansive people to share their pronouns.