G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn and therapist James Vining talk with Gabrielle Kassel at Shape about What Deadnaming Is and Why It's So Harmful
CHECK OUT G&STC’S DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN AND THERAPIST JAMES VINING TALK WITH GABRIELLE KASSEL AT SHAPE ABOUT WHAT DEADNAMING IS, WHY IT’S HARMFUL, AND HOW TO RESPOND WITH GRACE IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY DEADNAME SOMEONE.
"Deadname" may sound like the name for a Grateful Dead cover band. But far from something worthy of eye-rolls, the word deadname actually refers to the name a trans, non-binary and gender expansive person used prior to changing their name, explains Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy in NYC. Put simply, it's the name they no longer use.
"Deadnaming refers to the act of calling a trans, non-binary, or gender non-conforming person by this previous name instead of the name they currently use," explains Kahn. Whether intentional or not, deadnaming is an act of violence.
"Deadnaming someone also suggests that you think you know someone's identity better than they do," adds Kahn, which, at best, is pompous and, at worst, is transphobic
To be very clear: Deadnaming refers specifically to the act of calling a trans person by their previous name. A cisgender person, that's a person who's assigned sex at birth matches their current gender, can be misnamed, or called by the wrong name, but they cannot be deadnamed. "The difference between the two is that only one [calling a trans person by the wrong name] is a matter of disrespecting someone's gender identity," says Kahn.
What to Do If You Deadname Someone
Put simply, acknowledge the fudge then move on gracefully. If you realize that you've unintentionally deadnamed someone, apologize the moment you realize you've done so and move on, says James Vining L.C.S.W., psychotherapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC.
"Effusively and repeatedly apologizing to someone re-centers the focus on you and theatrically detaches from the interpersonal violation that has occurred," says Vining. Moreover, it may be embarrassing for the person you've deadnamed, who you have essentially turned into a spectacle with your own spectacle. Plus, you put this person in a position where they feel like they need to assure you that it's okay that you deadnamed them. But truthfully, it's not okay — deadnaming is harmful even when done accidentally!
If you deadname someone, and they (or someone else!) informs you, the right move is to thank them. "Rationalizing your behavior is a defensive justification that will only exacerbate the situation," he says. Instead of rationalizing, let the person know you appreciate the correction.
Indeed, you may genuinely feel anxious that the person you deadnamed will not forgive you — and it's possible that they won't, or at least not immediately. But again, constantly apologizing will likely have the opposite effect because it makes their pain about you, says Vining. "The best thing to do is to change your behavior when you interact with them the next time," he says. As the saying goes, the best apology of all is a change in behavior.
MORE FROM G&STC DIRECTOR JESSE KAHN ON THIS TOPIC:
A deadname refers to the name given at birth to trans, nonbinary and gender expansive folks who have changed their name later in life. It's sometimes the name used before a trans person comes out, or in some cases, before their transition (whatever transitioning means for them!).
What exactly is different between deadnaming someone who has chosen a new name to affirm their gender? And using someone's full-name who uses a different nickname?
The difference comes down to respecting a person's identity–nicknames are chosen names that often have a familiar connotation; we have some sort of familiar relationship with someone in order to know or use their nickname, but there may be instances where their full name is necessary. Deadnaming is identifying a person through a name they have specifically separated themselves from, one that does not reflect who they are, their identity, gender or experience, and therefore its use is a rejection of their true identity and self.
Deadnaming is damaging because it is denying someone the validity of their experience.
It can also trigger traumatic memories for the person being deadnamed–as that name may be associated with painful memories of being misgendered, invalidated and isolated.
Just like with getting someone's pronouns wrong, correct yourself, apologize succinctly, and carry on. Constantly apologizing can feel like it's the right thing to do because we have this idea that it conveys regret regarding any harm we've caused; what it really does is then put the pressure on the person who has been deadnamed to then comfort the person who has deadnamed them, when it was not their behavior that caused harm.
MORE FROM G&STC THERAPIST JAMES VINING ON THIS TOPIC:
The act of intentionally deadnaming someone who is transgender, gender non-conforming, or nonbinary, is an intrinsically violent act. It is a declaration of cis privilege where the person’s subjectivity, identity, and chosen referent is denied and erased as a result of mindlessness or willful refusal to acknowledge another human being. When you deadname someone, you are quite literally referring to them as if they were a different person. In addition to having been made to feel invisible, the person will now have to contend with a lot of the negative associations, memories, and experiences that coincided with their deadname. There is a double violation that occurs: the deadnamed person not only feels like they do not exist in the room but they have been recast into an often painful identity and name they have rejected.
One of the best things that you can do if you deadname someone is to own it and apologize the moment you realize you’ve done so. Rationalizing your behavior is a defensive justification that will only exacerbate the situation and communicate that you feel your comfort and difficulty changing supersede the person’s right to be equally valued and respected. Be thoughtful about where you should apologize. Is this a friend? A work situation? Does it make more sense to meet privately with the person if it would communicate a greater depth of feeling and meaning to them? Or is the relationship less intimate?
While it is important to check in to see if the person would like to speak about it any further, you never want to make a spectacle out of the apology.