G&STC's Director Talk with Marriage.com About Best Sex Advice for a Healthy Sex Life


1. Challenge your assumptions about what types of fantasies, desires and sex you can have with a partner. Respecting and caring for someone doesn’t mean that your sex can’t be wild, aggressive, degrading and/or rough (of course, all of this is discussed and consensual). Seek and question assumptions you’ve held about sex, long term desire, and sex with someone you love.

Challenge your assumptions about how sex is supposed to be initiated. Opening up your mind to the idea that there isn’t one “right” way to have sex with your partner(s) can be liberating. It gives you space to explore fantasies, figure out what you are into, and above all communicate with your partner(s) about your sex.

2. Explore ways to increase excitement and playfulness in your sexual lives and possibly modify a rigid repertoire. This could look like incorporating new toys, kinky/bdsm practices, role-playing, dirty talk, sexting, talking about your sexual fantasies, having sex in different locations (such as a car, your kitchen, the shower, etc), trying new positions, and/or attending a sex specific class together.

3. Stay curious about your sexuality and your partner’s sexuality. Re-focus on eroticism and ask yourself what turns you on, what makes you feel pleasure, and what makes you feel desired. And then ask and share with your partner(s)!

4. Plan the types of sex you want to have. In movies, and in many people’s fantasies, sex happens in an instant, but spontaneous sex isn’t the only way to keep your sex life exciting. Putting time and energy into planning the type of sex you want to have can shift what your sex is like, can help create different types of sexual experiences, different types of erotic environments, can help shift your sex life towards the sex life you want, and can build anticipation.

If you really think about it, even our sex that feels spontaneous is often not. Specific actions and intentions led to those moments. Planning sex can be equally hot once we expand our definition of what “planning” means. When we create an erotic environment, incorporate new toys, re-visit our turn-ons, or explore different fantasies, we are planning sex. Using this perspective, we redefine rigidity and spontaneity.