Moving From Codependent to Interdependent Relationships
While codependent relationships are being discussed with more visibility, there is still quite a bit of murkiness around exactly what this term means. Codependency is when one person in a relationship seeks self-worth and validation by prioritizing the needs and caretaking of their partner. Many people in these dynamics have poor boundaries, the desire to control their partners’ behavior or actions, anxiety, low self-worth, fear of abandonment, and struggles with intimacy. It is common for codependent people to have early childhood attachment wounds, these behaviors are an attempt to heal from childhood traumas. The strategies you employed to survive as an adolescent are valid — but they may not be what you need to heal.
When you’re consumed by your partners’ needs in the relationship, it’s easy to forget that you also get to have a say in the kind of relationship(s) you want to have. What kind of dynamic feels healthy and nourishing for you? Are your needs being met in this relationship? Do you feel like you can be emotionally vulnerable with your partner(s) and they will hold space for you?
The healthiest relationships are those where you’re able to hold each other in hard times — while also not taking on the other person's emotions and responsibility for their happiness. You can support one another in life while also having your own individual emotions, reactions, and processes. Discovering what you want from your relationships will help you get to that point with your lovers.
Signs you may codependent
You tend to love people that you can pity and rescue
You feel responsible for the actions of others
You do more than your share in the relationship to keep the peace
You are afraid of being abandoned or alone
You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness
You need approval from others to gain your own self-worth
You have difficulty adjusting to change
You have difficulty making decisions and often doubt yourself
You are reluctant to trust others
Your moods are controlled by the thoughts and feelings of those around you
Source: Willingway Addiction Center
Healing from codependent patterns.
As you heal from your codependent dating woes, the most important step is establishing your own personhood away from your partner(s). This means scheduling alone time, picking up new projects/hobbies, and spending time with your friends. Be sure to spend time focusing on what gives you joy outside of work, friends, and your relationship. Breathe life into what makes your heart beat. The more expansive your life is outside of your relationship(s), it will be far less likely for you to fall back into codependency. It takes work to pull yourself out of habits, so be patient with yourself. At times you may feel yourself wanting to fix everything going wrong for a person you love — instead, try to just listen, hold space, and validate whatever they’re feeling.
Values of interdependence.
Instead of feeling addicted to your partner(s) — interdependence allows you to appreciate one another’s existence. Everyone involved in the relationship dynamic gets to actively choose how they are involved. Interdependence is about moving away from “needing” one another to genuinely choosing one another every day. Interdependence values the emotional intimacy you share with others while also maintaining a firm sense of self. This allows more space to be vulnerable and honest about your desires, boundaries, and needs as they shift over time. In codependent relationships, there is a reliance on one partner “needing” the other which creates a sense of stagnancy. Interdependent relationships, on the other hand, allow room for growth and change without feeling threatened.
A few key values of interdependent relationships might be
Active listening
Healthy boundaries
Time for personal interests
Clear communication
Taking personal responsibility for behaviors and emotions
Creating safety for one another to be vulnerable
Engaging and responding to one another
Open and approachable body language
Not being afraid to say “no”
Not keeping parts of yourself hidden to please your partner(s)
Building blocks for nurturing relationships
Allowing your partner(s) room to explore their sense of is also vital to build a nurturing relationship. This means you can both turn to one another for intimacy, support, and affection while not being afraid of losing yourself in the relationship or being controlled. Nourishing relationships will have room to lean on one another for support, make individual life decisions without fear of losing a relationship, and a sense of self that is not dependent on your partner(s) affection. Interdependence comes from a sense of safety both within yourself and the relationship.
Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.