10 Tips for a Great First Date

So you have a first date coming up. 

Whether it’s the first of many or you’re just dipping your toe back into the dating scene, first dates can be nerve-wracking for everyone. You might be seeking a long term partner, casual dating, or pleasure, and while a first date is a great first step to either of those goals (or anything in between) it’s still best to not put too much pressure on the situation. Yes you may be seeking a lifelong partner or a sex buddy you have great chemistry with, but a first date is just a stepping stone to see how the two of you can come together. That's why it's best to start with a low pressure meeting like drinks or coffee rather than dinner, so you can leave early and politely if it's not for you. Decreasing the pressure also increases your confidence and opens up the possibility for new opportunities, from unexpected lovers to a new best friend. Remember, the purpose of a first date isn’t to audition a potential partner and see how they fit the role, but to come together with someone new and see what sort of chemistry you have. 

We know that dating is hard, though, and that we often put a lot of pressure on ourselves to “get it right.” While there’s no wrong way to show up as yourself, we wanted to help take some of the pressure off for those times you’re getting ready for your next first date. Keep reading for ten first-date tips, from handling the ex subject to what to wear.

Choose the right date spot 

There’s nothing worse than agreeing to an entire sit-down dinner with a stranger you met online, only to know they’re not for you before the drink even arrives. And now you have to sit through an entire meal or make an excuse to escape? Dinner dates are best left for after the third date or so after you’re sure this person is someone worth spending an entire evening with (and potentially paying for steak). The first date should be casual, such as drinks or coffee, and at a neutral location, that’s easy and accessible for all parties. If it goes well, you can always suggest grabbing food afterward, but if there’s no chemistry, you can politely leave after one drink.

Don’t blabber on about your ex 

Not talking about your ex isn't a hard and fast rule. It's natural to come up eventually, and if you're poly or in an open relationship, discussing your relationship status is an important part of getting to know one another to ensure that you're compatible. But you do want to avoid droning on about an ex or complaining about one. This can set off red flags as your potential new partner may worry that you're not over them or that you'lltalk poorly about them if things don't work out. If this first date turns into more dates, there will be plenty of time for intimate conversations when all parties open up about their past, but it's best to keep the first date light, fun, and focused on the person in front of you. 

Make eye contact 

Not only does holding eye contact show that you're listening to your first date, but it's also incredibly intimate. Pay attention to your entire body language on a first date. It's common to be nervous, but try to uncross your arms, take some deep breaths, and appear open and interested. However, if the date isn't going well, and you are experiencing anxiety and restlessness, listen to your body. It may be a sign that you're uncomfortable, and if you are, you should honor that and excuse yourself.

Bring protection 

There is no rule about when to have sex with someone, and if your body is telling you that this first date should turn into a first sleepover, by all means, enjoy it. However, you may want to play safely with new partners, so make sure to bring barriers, lube, and any other sexual wellness items you need should the night turn sexy. 

Loop a trusted friend into your whereabouts 

Speaking of protection, while sex on the first date can lead to magical things, you should protect yourself from more than STIs and unwanted pregnancy whenever you spend alone time with someone you just met. Before a first date, it's always a good idea to share your location with a nearby friend to get in touch with them if you need rescuing.

Ask engaging questions 

The whole point of a first date is to get to know someone, and no one likes an awkward lull in the conversation. While some of us are great on our feet, it may come in handy to have a list of questions ready, such as asking about their music taste, favorite museums, and books and films. Try to ask fun and engaging questions that spark conversation. Remember, this is a date, not a job interview!

Wear something that makes you feel confident 

Everyone has different style preferences, but on a first date, confidence will get you everywhere. So, rather than try to match a trend or fit an aesthetic you think your date will like based on their dating app profile, wear whatever makes you feel most like you. Not only will your confidence look good, it will help you to relax in a new situation to be in something that is physically and emotionally comfortable for you. You don’t want to try a new look on a first date and be so preoccupied with how uncomfortable you’re feeling that you don’t connect with your date at all.

Be honest 

While it's okay to play your cards close to your chest, and oversharing (such as unnecessary or salty comments about your ex) can be a turnoff, you also want to be honest and upfront about your needs. If your date says they 100% want kids, and you absolutely do not, please, tell them rather than waste their/your time. The same holds true if your date says they are monogamous while you're poly. If it's evident that your wants and needs aren't aligned, it's just wasting someone's time–unless, of course, you both agree to some kind of arrangement regardless of your difference in long-term goals. 

Keep an open mind 

While you don’t want to ignore incompatibility, keeping an open mind is also essential. Your dream partner may not be with whom you thought you'd fall in love (or lust). It's a tragedy to turn away romantic love and deep sexual connections simply because someone's background, appearance, gender, or even politics don't precisely match those of the dream partner in your head. Falling in love with someone different can sometimes work, and not only lead to rewarding relationships but help you expand your social circle and understanding of the world. You also may find that what you thought you were looking for is different than what you’re actually enjoying, and a relationship doesn’t have to last forever to be worthwhile to explore. 

Relax and have fun 

Perhaps most importantly, try not to put too much pressure on any first date. Yes, there is a chance that you'll meet someone who totally turns you on or sweeps you off your feet. However, you may also just meet a new friend, and getting dressed up and hitting the town to have drinks and conversation with someone new can be great fun, regardless of the outcome. Plus, the less pressure you put on it, the more relaxed and confident you will feel.

Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.